Category: Inspiration

hope, Inspiration

Hope Deferred

Photo Credit – Disneygals.com
I feel like I’ve been waiting for certain things I truly believe are to come to pass in my life for quite sometime now. I’ve seen them and God has shown me my appointed end. Matters relative to family, health, ministry, finances and beyond. Confirmation my spirit has experienced, but as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, my human heart sometimes grows absolutely sick! 

Photo Credit – flickr.com
This eager side of my anatomy can often times magnify those voices I have fought fervently to keep silent! I have a goal to be successful in the things of God but they have an agenda to the contrary. This alone assures me that as a Believer, Spiritual Warfare is very much alive and REAL!

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Proverbs 13:12 says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life.”

This passage serves further confirmation that as humans we will feel a level of edginess in the waiting on the things of God. This is all because we live in flesh that constantly battles matters of the spirit. Just like in a game of tug-of-war, believers are faced with the challenge daily to remain as the encouraging overcomes that we truly are.

Photo Credit – Imagala.com
This holds especially true when we feel we have done our part, everything humanly possible to get that dream in motion. We get side tracked by the lack of tangible resources, supporters, connections and the prolonged end result. This is when the enemy can get busy with his lies that our hope shall never be.

But the God we serve never ever fails! For the hasty heart, these reminders are relevant throughout our wait. It’s easy to say but sometimes challenging to do consistently. Our Savior is certainly hard at work in that spiritual realm not visible by our natural eye. The details are tight, specific and will make their presence in His appointed time. The total revelation WILL blow you away! Profection just can’t be rushed!

Photo Credit – Mightymag.org
So what should a faint impatient heart do in between time; in the meantime? Well we need to hold fastto our greatest hope which is in Christ Jesus! There is none other and no other way! Should we choose another route we could go completely insane staring out the window, looking at the clock and flipping through the calendar. 

PhotoCredit – chakracommunity.com – Dang; this light is long!!!
It’s coming!! Stay in Faith, be grateful and thankful that you are called for such a time as this.

If you are still struggling to remain hopeful, prayerfully this post made you smile and laugh. It did for me!😂

God you got this right? I’m chillin!
Inspiration, Quotes

Just Keep Believing!

Just a little inspirational quote from yours truly today!

I’m in the process of working towards my destiny and the journey has proven to be extremely challenging! But I know The Lord My God is on my side and working out the details that my natural eyes can’t see! That’s called FAITH!

For those on their own path of dreams, stay encouraged with me and know it’s your time in Jesus Name!!

Happy Friday!

Accomplishments, Inspiration, motivational, Self Empowerment, Spiritual Awareness

The Extraordinary You!

Not long ago I was invited to be interviewed By the founder of Heart Ministry Radio, Brenda Divers for her talk show entitled “Extraordinary People In our Neighborhood.” I was absolutely overwhelmed by the opportunity to reach God’s people on this platform! A willing and humble vessel I was and gladly accepted the invitation.

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But I had one problem leading up to the day of the recording; I was far from feeling anywhere near Extraordinary! As I examined my life in its current state, to me, I was looking and feeling rather ordinary!

Kind of mediocre in a sense that at this point I have not reached any defined pinnacle in my goals and visions I know have come from the Lord. Yes I’m walking out in faith concerning my destiny, but I am so far from there! I found myself asking, is this meeting actually premature?

So I have learned that personally I can not trust the voices in my own head most of the time! Some want to keep me labeled as common. Well, the devil is a Liar!!

During the prep session for that interview, some things were bought to my attention and pulled out of me through God’s precious daughter! How grateful I am for the body of Christ for iron truly does sharpen iron!! (Proverbs 27:17)

I didn’t think that some challenges I was brave enough to face were kind of impressive! I had to hear myself speak them out before I was actually able to embrace these matters as true accomplishments. So many others have struggled with the same and have been inspired by my testimony.

By the time the record button went on, I think I was feeling pretty remarkable!
The God we serve does not specialize in average! Everything he makes is exceptional and everyone he calls holds greatness within! He refers to those who believe in his power, Grace and sacrifice through Christ Jesus, “Peculiar People” (1 Peter 2:9) We stand out, Are Royalty and far from just being Regular!

If you struggle to see yourself as accomplished because by your own standards you don’t feel you have “arrived”, stop and begin to see yourself as your Heavenly Father does. During this Christian Journey we all need to be reminded periodically just how extraordinary we truly are!

#Jesus #Royalty #beyondordinary #extraordinary #heartministryradio

Inspiration, motherhood, reflection, self-help

Motherhood: A Sacrificial Choice

motherhood


“Motherhood is an instinct, YES, But it is also a practice; It CAN be learned.” Alice Walker
I think Motherhood is the hardest job in the world now that I am one!  It is a selfless act that requires one to deny, derail, and temporarily delay your own wants, desires and sometimes even your needs for the well-being of another….

Many women embrace and stay dedicated to this awesome challenge when their maternal instincts kick in.  Life is now about that child who becomes a priority over self.  We are now commissioned and predestined to mold and shape the very existence of another human being.  To think about it in these terms, it is an overwhelming, often times scary and delicate process.  Most figure it out and make the necessary adjustments so that their children can thrive. Others don’t fair so well leaving countless lives forever shattered.

Motherhood can be a heavy burden that can drive a mother to do unfathomable things.  The demands are never-ending and some women simply don’t survive the process.  Consider Andrea Yates who simply woke up one morning after her husband went to work and decided to drown her 5 children in 2001.  Or more recent acts of a Philadelphia mother, Nyia Parler who abandoned her disabled 21-year-old quadriplegic son with cerebral palsy in a park with nothing more than a blanket and a bible.  Nothing but the grace of God that he was found and survived the elements of rain and 30 degree temperatures.  Lastly a 19-year-old mother, Johnesha Perry threw her 1-year-old baby boy over a bridge into shallow waters in Lehigh County PA just last week.  She ultimately jumped in after him.  These stories are harsh realities and proof that there is a very thin line between sanity and insanity as a Mother. I don’t judge the actions of these women by far.  My heart goes out to everyone involved.  I can only imagine the types of pressures these women were under when they decided to take such drastic measures.

Although I have never felt so desperate as to bring harm to my son, but I do admit that I have looked at him over the years and wondered if I am going to be able to survive the process.  These thoughts entered my mind when I felt the most alone the most unsupported and the most overcome. When the mind is unstable and the spirit is crushed the job of motherhood becomes extremely complicated. An ever-present help is needed. (Psalms 46:1)

Regardless of how difficult motherhood can be at times, it is still a privileged honor all in the same breath. The mother first has to make the choice to want to perfect the art, not be selfish, and seek ways to learn how to survive the process if she just doesn’t know how….. The word of God says that “Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord.” (Psalm 127:3) The one and only true way to survive the loads of motherhood is to stay rooted in God.

I did not always view motherhood as the gift that it is.  I was appointed to be the mother of three.  But due to my own fears, doubts, and self-centered ways, I took it upon myself to return two souls back to the Heavenly Father who gave them to me.  I rejected the gifts with excuses, earthy rationale and with much pity.  Certainly my burden to bear but I thank God for being forever forgiven….. (Thank you Jesus!)

The one I saw through to full term I am committed to beyond description.  My son is 4 years old as I pen these words and brings me unspeakable joy.  At the same time challenges every fiber of my being.  Spiritually I am convicted to be the best mother I can be to him and raise him to be a Godly man.  My physical challenges are great as I push through complications of Multiple Sclerosis with smiles, laughter, hugs and love.  For he does not understand nor does he need to know; at least not right now.  Mentally, as I continue to battle through insecurities, bouts of depression and the results of my own childhood, I constantly question if I am doing the right thing by him.  It is the greatest challenge of my life, but I am so up for it! What other purpose shall my life serve if not to take responsibility to be the best Mother I can be?  He deserves nothing less…. I am also blessed to have some wonderful step children who I love unconditionally as if I birthed them myself.

The role of being a mother never ends.  The definition just shifts as children grow older.  I sternly believe that the job of a mother only ends when her life is over.  It is a long-term sacrifice for those who have stepped up and stayed committed to the calling.

The pain of an absent mother also never ends.  It is a bond that the human spirit requires and if absent and abused will forever scar the soul.  No amount of praying or growing up will take the hurt away caused by a mother who simply decided not to be.  Consider some famous, strong and independent figures that appear well put together and are clearly successful but when asked about their relationships with their mothers, they will crumble and the wounded child within quickly emerges:

  • Kirk Franklin – Famous Gospel Singer
  • Patti Stanger – Host of Millionaire Matchmaker
  • Hugh Jackman – Actor
  • Courtney Love – Actress
  • Gary Coleman (Deceased)– Child Actor
  • Kenya Moore – Reality TV Star
  • Drew Barrymore – Actress

I have watched interviews of each of the above named figures concerning their relationships with their biological mothers.  The agony, is real, it is deep and permanent.  Feelings are mostly suppressed and managed in sometimes self-destructive ways, but it never dulls and never ever goes away…..

I salute every real mother who sacrifices, endures and embraces the hardest job in the world without quitting.  You are to be acknowledged for your greatest sacrifice while:

  • Working full-time and going to school.
  • Suffering from medical conditions (Mentally & Physically)
  • The father of your children walking out on you, becoming disloyal and mentally abusing you as your body went through the necessary changes to bring forth life.
  • Searching how to become a mother for your children when you were never mothered yourself.
  • Remembering that provision does not take the place of being present.

Or a combination of these things….

My mission as a mother is to assure that my son never looks me in the eye and say you weren’t there, you didn’t try, you didn’t teach or warn me, you didn’t provide, you didn’t give me a decent start, you didn’t love me, you failed me…
He could very well grow up and give me his back side but it won’t be the result of me not putting forth my very best effort in preparation for his life.  I will never stop sacrificing for him for it is my call, my duty, my forever blessing. 
Furthermore, concerning this assigned task over my life, I want my Heavenly father to tell me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant…” (Matthew 25:21)

Motherhood is a choice, not a title.  Just as we chose to put ourselves in position to conceive, we must choose to do the right thing by the lives we bought to this earth; regardless of how hard it is. That means constant long-term sacrifices through behavioral problems, disabilities, and other challenges children may bring to further complicate our lives.  If we fail in this area we don’t have the right to expect our children to willingly want to look out for our well-being when they themselves become adults.   (That’s REAL TALK!)
They didn’t’ ask to be here and again, they are our gifts from the Lord most High.
To all the women worthy of the title, Happy Mother’s Day; You deserve it and so much more……
“Motherhood is not about what you gave up to have a child, but what you gained by having one.” Author Unknown


Inspiration, reflection, Spiritual Awareness

Soulful Sunday – Holy Rolling

  

Several years ago I walked away from the Lord for two years. I was severely broken, ashamed, angry and drowning in unforgiveness. I rarely let anyone know what I was going through. I also learned rather quickly that my stepping away adversely affected people other than myself.

During that time I reconnected with a friend who is not a believer. We had so much in common less our level of faith. We met over 5 years prior and although she didn’t share my strong beliefs, I snuck in opportunities to minister to her when ever I could. She even attended a Christian function with me but it just didn’t stick. 

When we started to get reacquainted again, she apparently was taken aback by my new dialect, demeanor and resistance to the Gospel and she was still not Saved. One of the first things she said was “Goodness you were such a Holy Roller When I first met you!” She sounded disgusted and relieved!! I was so offended! Of course I didn’t let her know my feelings and we simply laughed it off.

To me and at the time, being a “Holy Roller” meant someone who lives, breathes, thinks and positions themselves outwardly to others as a believer who can do no wrong! Always walking in the Glory and rarely phased by temptations. Always preaching the gospel and sometimes condemning others. I reflected if I really presented myself that way and felt ashamed because my mistakes and sins were now on public display! I was far from being Holy! 

I had also lost a friend of 10 years who I had led to Christ years prior. This particular friend called me a hypocrite because she was shocked to learn that I was going through a divorce and I never gave her a clue I was having trouble in my marriage. She apparently looked up to me and what she thought was my unmovable faith walk. When I fell, she became devastated and wanted nothing else to do with me. It was extremely painful because I never meant to deceive her or anyone else that way. My intentions were indeed genuine but because she poured out her pain to me and I never shared mine, I gave her a false impression that because I was saved my world was Rosy. I just prayed and encouraged her instead of dumping my mess on top of hers. That to her was the deception. I wasn’t being REAL!

I made a vow never to be a Holy Roller, by that definition again!

As time passed life really began to kick me in the guts! When I didn’t think I could get any further from the cross I did! My spirit became so weak and defeated in trying to maintain my stance of not becoming some goody-too-shoes, Holier-than-thou person that I had no other choices but to die or get back up and walk in Christ again. I ultimately chose the later, repented and began restoring my faith and relationship with my Savior.

This experience did teach me some valuable lessons for sure! I will never walk away again! Once a believer, you really know better and can’t turn off his voice from calling you back to his arms! Second, I will and must be more transparent in my struggles for it is part of my ministry and what God has called me to do differently this time. I must create balance without compromising my own faith or those of others. 
  

I’ve been back for nearly 4 years now and my “Prodigal Daughter” days are certainly over! I can’t go back to that ugly woman I had become especially after I had already tasted the Goodness of the Lord. (Gosh what was I thinking?? Oh yeah, I wasn’t! I was insane!!!) Holy Rolling by a refined definition is what I will be doing from here on out!
  

  

Have you ever been a Holy Roller by my initial definition?

Did you ever slip up as a Christian in front of people who expected you not to?

How did you handle it and respond?

On this Palm Sunday and approach of Holy Week, let’s “Roll Out” with much gratitude on what Christ did for us! For without His sacrifice,  none of us would ever be. 
 

 

Forgiveness, Inspiration, STFWO

STFWO – Talk Show – Forgiveness

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Hi there The RLRT readers.  At the beginning of this month I had an incredible opportunity to be a guest speaker on my Church’s Monthly internet talk show program.  It’s called Straight Talk for Women Only.  I spoke about my testimony concerning my “Job-Like” experience that I wrote about in my  2/28/2016 Soulful Sunday Blog. (Soulful Sunday – 2/28/2016)

 

I will be writing more intimately on the experience in articles to come. Thought I would share the talk show link with you.  It’s a little under an hour long and I don’t really get warmed up until about 6-7 minutes in ! My first time doing something like this because I am typically very quiet and more introverted naturally, but God is apparently calling me out!!  If you have an opportunity to view let me know your thoughts.

 

Although this is a talk show for women, anyone can relate to this subject concerning Forgiveness.  If you are disappointed in yourself, can’t seem to get past an offense that someone subjected you to or can even admit that you are mad at God, this could be what you need to hear. Blessings always and I so appreciate your readership support.

Related Articles:  Forgive God    Being Mad At God

Victory Christian Fellowship – Straight Talk for Women Only is a monthly internet talk show that airs the 1st Thursday of every month.  For more information  and show archives, visit http://www.straighttalkforwomenonly.com.

 

 

#Jesus  #forgiveness  #madatgod

Inspiration, Live, motivational, reflection, Self Empowerment, self-help, Spiritual Awareness, Win

Rear View Mirrors

  

 
I’m a bit annoyed today! PO’ed, disgusted and down right angry. Not at anyone or anything in particular; just the foolishness and stupidity of the spiritual adversary.

  
His tricks and lies have so many bound up that they fail to see that life has so much more to offer. Will you join me and stop wasting so much time entertaining his agenda? He’s doing his job consistently. When will we begin to do ours with that same level of tenacity and more? 

  
I know a mature woman who has endured a great deal of trouble in her youth. For her, these days occurred well over 30 years ago. She’s a believer in the Gospel yet she’s majorly stuck in her past. I don’t talk to her much and frankly I just can’t. Whenever I do she finds a way to bring up her past as if I haven’t heard the story countless times already! She’s wasting her precious later years dwelling on yesterday. She says with her mouth that it’s her testimony but is not using the experience effectively for the good of others. Her actions clearly reflect that she never got over the pain leaving other areas in her life completely unfulfilled. Although I have a level of sympathy for her it does not run deep. She has options but chooses to think the same way, producing the same results while her time is winding down…

  

Does this story sound familiar? Is this someone you know? Is this you? If so, How long will you remain stuck, affected, paralyzed, play the victim, seeking sympathy, operating in jealousy, living in lack, non-prosperous spiritually, physically and mentally?

  

If you are a believer in the gospel of Christ Jesus, His sacrifice, His resurrection and His precious blood, I honestly believe it is an insult to all He has done for us if we CHOOSE to remain defeated! The mentality is indeed a CHOICE! It’s a mindset and no one else can be blamed certainly after a time.

  

He blesses us with a new day, everyday to take steps to walk into our destiny. He won’t affect your free will to remain hopeless but why choose that when he said that He came that we may have life and life more abundantly? (John 10:10)

  

We will always have trouble in this world. (John 16:33) We can’t get away from it! So will you remain ineffective, unproductive, heavy laden, cast down and defeated all the remaining days of your life? That’s exactly what the enemy wants! Stop allowing him to run amuck in your mind! You have the power, authority and dominion to live in abundance! (I’m not speaking of just material things.) Open your mouth, speak those things, get up and fight back! Don’t leave this earth with a gift you never shared, a ministry/business you never birthed, a testimony you never spoke and a destiny you never experienced because you allowed the enemy to win!

You can’t blame anyone else for your current circumstances especially if the offenses occurred 10,20,30 40 or even 50 years ago! 

So you were rejected 

So you were robbed 

So you were molested 

So you got fired 

So you were denied 

So you filed bankruptcy 

So your loved one left you

So you got a bad report from the doctor

So your child disrespected you

So that person you prayed for died anyway

So your life doesn’t look the way you planned it…..

What are you going to do inspite of?? Grieve for a while but NOT indefinitely!!!How long will you remain unproductively stuck???

  

We must Live and not die! (Psalm 118:17) While we still have a chance, another heart beat, another breath, can still walk, can still talk, can still think….. Get Up, shift and make today the beginning of the rest of your life. Just in case you forgot, The Bible declares We Win!!

  

#Destiny #wewin #Jesus

Inspiration, motivational, reflection, Self Empowerment, self-help, Spiritual Awareness

Hey Boss, I Quit!!

Less than a year ago I was offered what I thought was an opportunity of a life time! A job earning more money than I had ever imagined, the distance was 10 minutes away from my home, and I could even telecommute periodically. It was a promotional opportunity and when I applied I did not think I completely qualified. I took a step out on what I thought was faith. Six interviews with 13 people later I, yes I, was selected as the final candidate!

 

I couldn’t believe it and praised God for the increase! I was really nervous about starting and hoped that I had the ability as a professional to excel in my new role. I had experienced much success in countless others, this one just seemed to make sense as the next career stepping stone on my way to the top.

 

Approximately 7 months later I found myself resigning from the job I thought was going to put my career on the map and I was absolutely devastated! I endured a tremendous set of unusual trials beginning a little more than a month into the position.  Ultimately, I crumbled under the pressure. My health, both physical and mental were being grossly affected. I was disappointed beyond description in myself and thought the enemy had won! Certainly I had failed and now it was over before it truly got started….

 

 

After consulting God about the ordeal, He revealed why I was subjected to such overwhelming insults in my workplace. I learned that I have been incredibly stubborn in my pursuit for success, have been operating in my own self-defined purpose without His consent, and have been grossly neglecting the gifts He has placed in my life. What a tremendous eye opener, harsh reality and a lesson long over due that I had to learn!

 
You see, for years I have been chasing dollars and trading my life in to the highest bidder. This has been because I truly lacked faith in God that He is capable of supplying all my needs which far exceeds monetary provision in a paycheck. Since I have never experienced increase any other way besides earnings from a job, I literally convinced myself that the only way to experience the God of “More Than Enough” (2nd Corinthians 9:8)  was by heavy pursuit of the next big promotion in title, statute and theory. I couldn’t see it any other way but Faith doesn’t operate by what Chanel could SEE! REAL self TALK!

It was clear very early on in my new position that this was not God’s will for my life. But I ignored the signs which were many!!! Initially I chalked up the controversy I was facing as the enemy trying to steal my blessing. I began to pray for my co-workers, leadership and external partners thinking that was the key to turning the fast sinking ship around. My so called spiritual logic was so far from the truth and was my WILL and not the WILL of my Heavenly Father.

 

 

I began seeing my husband, children and friends as thorns in my life because they wanted me after work and I simply could not produce the best me for them because I was stressed and exhausted! That’s when my health became seriously affected.

 

 (Mommy/Daddy, Stop working and come play with me!)

 

After extended time away from my hostile work environment, God showed me that the thorns in my life were really the job! The roses were those significant relationships I was half giving myself too. Repentance was necessary! No job or amount of money is worth their sacrifice nor mine! Never Again!

 

I finally accepted that it wasn’t me, due to the high turn over not only in the role I was in but in the office overall. (They couldn’t keep staff and leadership failed to look in the mirror!) Acceptance did not come easy but it did at a cost!

 

 

Are you holding on to a job that is robbing you from God’s best?  Are you struggling in your level of faith to believe that if you let go of this thing that you think you need that you will suffer lack?

 

This is not for everyone and I am certainly not suggesting or promoting a campaign for people to walk out on their jobs!  All things in due season and with wisdom.  This is the first time I ever walked away from a job without a concrete back up plan.  But I knew without question that I was hearing from the Lord!

 

If your stress level is through the roof resulting in change in temperament, sleep, eating habits and you are struggling to be present for the true important matters in your life, I encourage you to seek God and analyze if you are trying to remain in control because you don’t trust that HE will deliver. (Proverbs 3:5)

 

For me, I have suffered zero lack and have actually experienced abundance beyond my imagination since I let go and truly started trusting God with my provision. My confirmation that this entire things was and is HIM! My faith today is through the roof that as long as I keep my confidence in words, deed and action that my Heavenly Father is taking care of me, I shall never want for nothing! (Philippians 4:19) 

  
#quityourjob  #ihatemyjob  #lovelife  #Godourprovider #Jesus #mypurpose

Inspiration, motivational, reflection, Spiritual Awareness

Soulful Sunday – 2/21/2016

  
The Lord Our God is REAL!

I had someone recently respond to one of my blog post who said they don’t believe in God. The remark didn’t surprise me because Non-Believers are alive and well in our country. It’s their constitutional right as an American and human being to believe however they choose. No judgement here but rather a sincere level of empathy! (Unfortunate how much they are missing out on😕)

Regardless of our beliefs there is no arguing that life is difficult at times. For a unique selection of people, that remark is a gross understatement! While we all will face a major challenge at some point in our lives, there are a core group that will go through unimaginable, insurmountable, breathtaking circumstances and then survive them all! It’s not by their own choices, will or might….

In this level of pain is where I absolutely believe God resides! For there is no other explanation of how a person made it out. Doctors can’t explain, lawyers don’t know how the case was won, philosophers can’t produce a theory, family and friends gave up; BUT GOD! The survival was not by human efforts but something far beyond that surface or deepest level of intellect. It’s Super Natural deliverance by the Great I AM! Any other credit-taking is just plain old arrogance! 

I survived a “Job Like” experience several years ago and I was completely manic throughout it all! Oh how I wish I could say I worshipped the entire time and never sinned against God, but unlike the honorable character Job in the Bible, I failed my tests miserably!!!! the trial lasted 3 years and I despised what I was going through. It was agonizing at every turn. 

I walked away from God because I was angry about my circumstances and came close to believing that he cared or was even real.

Inspite of my rebellion I began experiencing blessings and miracles that I could not explain. I ultimately humbled myself with acts of repentance and returned to his arms. Separating myself from His shelter caused me more harm in the long run. I am truly thankful that just because I left him that He never left me! 

I can not fathom for the life of me why some refuse to know that He simply is!
Even with repeat signs, wonders, testimonies and reference, many hearts remain hard to his existence.

How do you deal or respond to people who say they don’t believe in God?

What approach in ministering to this group of people do you think is effective?

For now I just pray for them that one day their eyes will be opened to see and experience him in all his Glory. Oh come taste and see that the Lord is oh so good!

Happy Sunday😇

Forgiveness, Inspiration, reflection, Relationships

The Grasp of A Million Pieces

She said she was raped and I am the product of the act. She was young, naive and longing for someone to love her. I just wasn’t expected.

She rationalized in her mind to somehow make right out of the wrong by seeing the pregnancy through and somehow create a family. So she stayed with my father and her offender….

A mother she never wanted to be, at least not now and not this way. She had dreams of her own which were now delayed, deferred and ultimately denied. For this child required so much and sometimes it was hard to give of herself naturally and free from resentment.
He made promises to her that never came to fruition. She ultimately found the courage to leave with the baby born between them; against the visions for her life. Only to meet yet another man with similar behaviors, patterns and intentions….

This is the truth of my Mother…

Mine is…
When calculating the ages of both my parents, my conception was indeed an act of statutory assault if nothing more. He was nearly 10 years her senior when she delivered me at the tender age of 17. She was just a kid that had a kid…

This news was delivered to me after the death of my father at age 69 last year. Cancer stole his last breath. The blow of how I came to be left my already fractured life without reason, completely shattered with revelation into a million pieces….
It all made sense to me now. Our life long struggle to function as a healthy mother and daughter duo and my father’s inability to be just that. Was the sight of me in their eyes a constant reminder of what probably should have never happened in the first place? Mere Speculation on my part but probably not far from reality…

I can not obtain clarity on this question from my father but my mother is still here for she was battling cancer simultaneously…and I’m thankful she survived….

How was it for her to look in the face of a child she was not sure she wanted and yet choose to stay? Quite difficult I can only imagine. The extreme amount of pain left her crippled to effectively mother a girl whose odds of facing her same circumstances were great. Yet she did what only she could; to provide the bare necessities. Anything more was often times agonizing and close to impossible.


Oh and Back to me…my emotions have been grossly mixed. Grateful that I found this out long into my adulthood and not in my unstable adolescent years when I often times contemplated suicide. So hurt that I was defined this way leaving me unable to look myself in mirrors as I passed by; praising my creator for protecting me when I did not have the protection of my parents and angry at God all in the same breath….A weird distasteful emotional concoction equivalent to the mix of pickled red beets, sauerkraut, and albacore; the blend should never be!

Although a tremendous amount of pain, we are healing inspite of..

We hold on to one another less loosely. These days I don’t feel like it’s out of obligation. The grip has become less burdensome since we have discussed this openly and honestly. It got uglier before it got better but this too had to be.
We can’t change the past but have a future we can define however we so choose. As an individual and now mother myself I must accept her truth and deal with my own. I have some control over that at least. I still naturally need her love regardless of how I came to be and how much she chooses to give. She’s the only Mom I have; the DNA can’t be replaced. (Look at the picture of us below; I am her little mini-me.) And when I consider the totality of her story, she has strength that I do completely admire…

So we hold on. Free to love each other without expectations. We take what we can get and its truly enough! I tell the devil to kick rocks in this matter. I need to heal and move on! For this mother and daughter, after all we’ve been through; finally are.