Category: motherhood

Order in the Family


One evening last week I was sitting down watching an episode of America’s Got Talent (2016).

A young man by the name of Campbell Walker Fields captured my soul for a moment and had my undivided attention. He is African American, 14 years old and shared a painful testimony about how he was given away by his birth mother and adopted by a Caucasian gay couple who are both males. 

This young man poured out his heart about how he longed to find and meet his mother. Although extremely appreciative of the love and sacrifice from his adopted fathers, he still longed to unite with the source he originated from. The two men who raised Campbell looked on and encouraged their son’s journey. I was completely moved to compassion by their sincerity and support to help their son find closure and ultimately peace. Tears filled their eyes as they clung to one another as Campbell belted out lyrics to a song he composed assuring his mother that he longs to see and has always loved her. 

It was clear that Campbell has never been without love, provision and security. His dads clearly care for him like their own. He wanted for nothing less than the woman who helped bring his life forth but chose not to raise him. His life was still incomplete.

I found myself asking if this young man had all he needed, why would he still long for the woman who gave him away? God answered my question with this statement:

“I have never changed my mind on my original design for the family simply because humanity has.”

The response shook my spirit like nothing has in a very long time!

It was always the purposed intent of our Lord for a concrete family structure: The man who follows God, the woman who follows the man and when they reproduce and bear children, these new lives are molded by the original two. This design, if followed by his Word and instructions for life, is absolutely flawless! Brokenness is inevitable when man changes this design intentionally or unintentionally.

The spirit of our living God is completely grieved when:

Men abandon their families and forfeit their leadership positions as Head-of-household.

Mothers turn away from their children denying them proper nurturing mentally or physically. 

Women are forced to play the role of both parents when the man decides to leave.

Men and Women become lovers of themselves and interrupt the process of natural reproduction.

And so much more….

All of this can leave children left alone, confused, misguided, lacking, and questioning their origin long into their adult years. This vicious cycle can continue into the next generation poisoning our future.

Millions of lives are shattered today because of human divination from the architectural structure of the family defined by the Lord.

No matter how much any other way is justified, His way is the spiritual fabric of our make up, and has been since the beginning of time. This is undeniable under the most intense debate!

The slightest alteration in the perfect family design is the very reason why at 43 years of age, I still feel the obvious void of not being effectively parented. It’s a wound that seems to never heal. It’s the reason why Campbell who wants for nothing still longs to have the mother he was denied of. It’s the reason why other grown and clearly successful figures like Kelly Clarkson  would pen a song about the father who abandoned her entitled “Piece by Piece”. She made something of herself despite his absence but will still breakdown when reflecting on her childhood and how he left her.

No changes of law, fight for freedom, or stances for equality will ever change the original unadulterated hand of God. society can try and has advanced in efforts, but lives will continue to be shattered at the very foundation the more we place resistance on His Will for our lives.

Motherhood: A Sacrificial Choice

motherhood


“Motherhood is an instinct, YES, But it is also a practice; It CAN be learned.” Alice Walker
I think Motherhood is the hardest job in the world now that I am one!  It is a selfless act that requires one to deny, derail, and temporarily delay your own wants, desires and sometimes even your needs for the well-being of another….

Many women embrace and stay dedicated to this awesome challenge when their maternal instincts kick in.  Life is now about that child who becomes a priority over self.  We are now commissioned and predestined to mold and shape the very existence of another human being.  To think about it in these terms, it is an overwhelming, often times scary and delicate process.  Most figure it out and make the necessary adjustments so that their children can thrive. Others don’t fair so well leaving countless lives forever shattered.

Motherhood can be a heavy burden that can drive a mother to do unfathomable things.  The demands are never-ending and some women simply don’t survive the process.  Consider Andrea Yates who simply woke up one morning after her husband went to work and decided to drown her 5 children in 2001.  Or more recent acts of a Philadelphia mother, Nyia Parler who abandoned her disabled 21-year-old quadriplegic son with cerebral palsy in a park with nothing more than a blanket and a bible.  Nothing but the grace of God that he was found and survived the elements of rain and 30 degree temperatures.  Lastly a 19-year-old mother, Johnesha Perry threw her 1-year-old baby boy over a bridge into shallow waters in Lehigh County PA just last week.  She ultimately jumped in after him.  These stories are harsh realities and proof that there is a very thin line between sanity and insanity as a Mother. I don’t judge the actions of these women by far.  My heart goes out to everyone involved.  I can only imagine the types of pressures these women were under when they decided to take such drastic measures.

Although I have never felt so desperate as to bring harm to my son, but I do admit that I have looked at him over the years and wondered if I am going to be able to survive the process.  These thoughts entered my mind when I felt the most alone the most unsupported and the most overcome. When the mind is unstable and the spirit is crushed the job of motherhood becomes extremely complicated. An ever-present help is needed. (Psalms 46:1)

Regardless of how difficult motherhood can be at times, it is still a privileged honor all in the same breath. The mother first has to make the choice to want to perfect the art, not be selfish, and seek ways to learn how to survive the process if she just doesn’t know how….. The word of God says that “Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord.” (Psalm 127:3) The one and only true way to survive the loads of motherhood is to stay rooted in God.

I did not always view motherhood as the gift that it is.  I was appointed to be the mother of three.  But due to my own fears, doubts, and self-centered ways, I took it upon myself to return two souls back to the Heavenly Father who gave them to me.  I rejected the gifts with excuses, earthy rationale and with much pity.  Certainly my burden to bear but I thank God for being forever forgiven….. (Thank you Jesus!)

The one I saw through to full term I am committed to beyond description.  My son is 4 years old as I pen these words and brings me unspeakable joy.  At the same time challenges every fiber of my being.  Spiritually I am convicted to be the best mother I can be to him and raise him to be a Godly man.  My physical challenges are great as I push through complications of Multiple Sclerosis with smiles, laughter, hugs and love.  For he does not understand nor does he need to know; at least not right now.  Mentally, as I continue to battle through insecurities, bouts of depression and the results of my own childhood, I constantly question if I am doing the right thing by him.  It is the greatest challenge of my life, but I am so up for it! What other purpose shall my life serve if not to take responsibility to be the best Mother I can be?  He deserves nothing less…. I am also blessed to have some wonderful step children who I love unconditionally as if I birthed them myself.

The role of being a mother never ends.  The definition just shifts as children grow older.  I sternly believe that the job of a mother only ends when her life is over.  It is a long-term sacrifice for those who have stepped up and stayed committed to the calling.

The pain of an absent mother also never ends.  It is a bond that the human spirit requires and if absent and abused will forever scar the soul.  No amount of praying or growing up will take the hurt away caused by a mother who simply decided not to be.  Consider some famous, strong and independent figures that appear well put together and are clearly successful but when asked about their relationships with their mothers, they will crumble and the wounded child within quickly emerges:

  • Kirk Franklin – Famous Gospel Singer
  • Patti Stanger – Host of Millionaire Matchmaker
  • Hugh Jackman – Actor
  • Courtney Love – Actress
  • Gary Coleman (Deceased)– Child Actor
  • Kenya Moore – Reality TV Star
  • Drew Barrymore – Actress

I have watched interviews of each of the above named figures concerning their relationships with their biological mothers.  The agony, is real, it is deep and permanent.  Feelings are mostly suppressed and managed in sometimes self-destructive ways, but it never dulls and never ever goes away…..

I salute every real mother who sacrifices, endures and embraces the hardest job in the world without quitting.  You are to be acknowledged for your greatest sacrifice while:

  • Working full-time and going to school.
  • Suffering from medical conditions (Mentally & Physically)
  • The father of your children walking out on you, becoming disloyal and mentally abusing you as your body went through the necessary changes to bring forth life.
  • Searching how to become a mother for your children when you were never mothered yourself.
  • Remembering that provision does not take the place of being present.

Or a combination of these things….

My mission as a mother is to assure that my son never looks me in the eye and say you weren’t there, you didn’t try, you didn’t teach or warn me, you didn’t provide, you didn’t give me a decent start, you didn’t love me, you failed me…
He could very well grow up and give me his back side but it won’t be the result of me not putting forth my very best effort in preparation for his life.  I will never stop sacrificing for him for it is my call, my duty, my forever blessing. 
Furthermore, concerning this assigned task over my life, I want my Heavenly father to tell me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant…” (Matthew 25:21)

Motherhood is a choice, not a title.  Just as we chose to put ourselves in position to conceive, we must choose to do the right thing by the lives we bought to this earth; regardless of how hard it is. That means constant long-term sacrifices through behavioral problems, disabilities, and other challenges children may bring to further complicate our lives.  If we fail in this area we don’t have the right to expect our children to willingly want to look out for our well-being when they themselves become adults.   (That’s REAL TALK!)
They didn’t’ ask to be here and again, they are our gifts from the Lord most High.
To all the women worthy of the title, Happy Mother’s Day; You deserve it and so much more……
“Motherhood is not about what you gave up to have a child, but what you gained by having one.” Author Unknown


Blessings in Brokenness 

  

I wasn’t suppose to be a mother. This is what my mindful flesh settled on. I had been barren for 22 years. With age 40 being just two years away and recently divorced, I abandoned the prophecy.
Isaiah 54 was given to me to compliment the prophetic word by a well known Pastor,  but I gave up hope.

 

 
For 8 years I read and re-read the passage until I nearly memorized all versus. When I divorced in 2008 after nearly 11 years of marriage, I abandoned the word and walked away from my faith. I was full of anger and completely broken.

 
 

Then in January of 2010 I discovered I had conceived. I was out of wedlock and far from the Cross. Just because I abandoned the Word, it was clear that God did not abort the promise that was predestined to come to pass. The ultrasound revealed a boy. For his name shall be Isaiah after the scripture that helped call him forth.

My first child at 39 years of age. I was overjoyed and frightened out of my mind to have the responsibility of molding another human being. I had little to no support from family and friends and questioned if I would be any good at the most important role of my life and his.

Isaiah entering into my world did not come without considerable pain. I’m not referring to physical labor but by mental anguish when I learned during my 5th month ultrasound that he would be born with a disability. A rare birth defect that occurs 1-7500-10,000 births. Mine, my first that I desired for many ages would be that one. My world was shattered all over again and all I could think was “Lord haven’t I been through enough?”

  

The day my son was born, I remember that I did not smile when the doctors ripped him from my womb by C-Section and showed him to me briefly around that thick blue surgical curtain. I was hoping that what doctors saw on the films would be human error. But when I saw him, his deficiency was overwhelming obvious. He was missing a hand and what we thought were going to be some form of functional fingers were just undeveloped nubbins that never reached their full potential. I was petrified and had no clue how I was going to raise a child with special needs after I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis just about one year prior. I was single, felt abandoned but realized I had better role up my spiritual sleeves and get it together. If not for myself; for baby Isaiah. He, if no one else, deserved nothing less.

  

I loved him right away and motherhood instincts kicked in instantly. I surprised myself how much of a natural I really was. I initially thought I had grown too selfish to sacrifice everything for another, but I indeed stepped up to the challenge.

  

  

   
  

In order to be my best for my son in mind, body and spirit, I so desperately needed God. I repented and returned to His arms for healing, guidance and direction. My Savior responded immediately and began supplying me with the things and people I needed as a new mother. I became overwhelmed by his goodness and vowed never to leave his shelter again.

  

As for baby Isaiah, he is the most amazing gift besides Christ that I have ever received in my life. He has proven to me and the world that his disability is far from that! Nothing stops this kid. When I once wondered how he would accomplish a task, I now wonder 4 years later, what he will conquer next!

As I reminisce on our beginnings together, my son was my saving Grace from a life I was building that was completely self-destructive. Had he not come when he did, I don’t know how or when I would have returned to my Faith. He’s truly amazing. Everyday when I look in his sweet little face, I thank God for providing me the greatest blessing of all in my most broken places.

  

For more information about children living with upper limb differences, please visit http://www.luckyfinproject.org

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