Forgiveness, Inspiration, reflection, Relationships

The Grasp of A Million Pieces

She said she was raped and I am the product of the act. She was young, naive and longing for someone to love her. I just wasn’t expected.

She rationalized in her mind to somehow make right out of the wrong by seeing the pregnancy through and somehow create a family. So she stayed with my father and her offender….

A mother she never wanted to be, at least not now and not this way. She had dreams of her own which were now delayed, deferred and ultimately denied. For this child required so much and sometimes it was hard to give of herself naturally and free from resentment.
He made promises to her that never came to fruition. She ultimately found the courage to leave with the baby born between them; against the visions for her life. Only to meet yet another man with similar behaviors, patterns and intentions….

This is the truth of my Mother…

Mine is…
When calculating the ages of both my parents, my conception was indeed an act of statutory assault if nothing more. He was nearly 10 years her senior when she delivered me at the tender age of 17. She was just a kid that had a kid…

This news was delivered to me after the death of my father at age 69 last year. Cancer stole his last breath. The blow of how I came to be left my already fractured life without reason, completely shattered with revelation into a million pieces….
It all made sense to me now. Our life long struggle to function as a healthy mother and daughter duo and my father’s inability to be just that. Was the sight of me in their eyes a constant reminder of what probably should have never happened in the first place? Mere Speculation on my part but probably not far from reality…

I can not obtain clarity on this question from my father but my mother is still here for she was battling cancer simultaneously…and I’m thankful she survived….

How was it for her to look in the face of a child she was not sure she wanted and yet choose to stay? Quite difficult I can only imagine. The extreme amount of pain left her crippled to effectively mother a girl whose odds of facing her same circumstances were great. Yet she did what only she could; to provide the bare necessities. Anything more was often times agonizing and close to impossible.


Oh and Back to me…my emotions have been grossly mixed. Grateful that I found this out long into my adulthood and not in my unstable adolescent years when I often times contemplated suicide. So hurt that I was defined this way leaving me unable to look myself in mirrors as I passed by; praising my creator for protecting me when I did not have the protection of my parents and angry at God all in the same breath….A weird distasteful emotional concoction equivalent to the mix of pickled red beets, sauerkraut, and albacore; the blend should never be!

Although a tremendous amount of pain, we are healing inspite of..

We hold on to one another less loosely. These days I don’t feel like it’s out of obligation. The grip has become less burdensome since we have discussed this openly and honestly. It got uglier before it got better but this too had to be.
We can’t change the past but have a future we can define however we so choose. As an individual and now mother myself I must accept her truth and deal with my own. I have some control over that at least. I still naturally need her love regardless of how I came to be and how much she chooses to give. She’s the only Mom I have; the DNA can’t be replaced. (Look at the picture of us below; I am her little mini-me.) And when I consider the totality of her story, she has strength that I do completely admire…

So we hold on. Free to love each other without expectations. We take what we can get and its truly enough! I tell the devil to kick rocks in this matter. I need to heal and move on! For this mother and daughter, after all we’ve been through; finally are.

50 thoughts on “The Grasp of A Million Pieces”

    1. Lydia thank you so much for stopping by and the follow. I so appreciate it! Thanks for the scripture reference as well. I keep telling myself in addition that all things are truly working for my good! I look forward to reading more on your blog as well😇

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  3. It takes strength to live with sexual abuse. Because it truly never leaves us. It must have taken a lot of strength and courage for your mother to try to be a mother to you… At the same time, it takes a lot of courage to accept something like this fact about your birth… although, I guess it must have been somewhat a relief for your mother to finally be able to tell you… Hopefully it cleared some of the unasked questions you had… I hope you both can overcome this and repair yourselves…
    Wishing you lots of strength and courage and love 🙂

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    1. Hi there Timelesswheel! Thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting. This has been tough for us both but we are making more progress now than ever before! God is amazing through it all. Still have a ways to go but we are on the right track for sure.😊

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        1. I know your pain and it feels so helpless at times. All we can do is remain hopeful that a cure can be found and also be advocates for our own health by diet, supplements, plenty of water and exercise. The rest is up to to God. Glad your wife is still here! Stay encouraged my friend.

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      1. I read your post right before bed. It so resonated with me, I dreamt that you called me and offered for me to purchase your book before you and your hubby pack them up. Who knows what this means. But it’s a sign. .. just kidding. Have fun. I really enjoyed this.

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  9. Wow! God is at work in you.
    We don’t all have perfect parents. But they are who we’ve got and we praise God for them anyway. Not everybody is able to do that, because the heart is so delicate. So I know it takes the grace of God for you to love your mom–in spite of! And I pray that He will take you to another level of love for her that defies comprehension. Cause when you think about it, that is how He loves us–inspite of us! Praise God!

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    1. Thanks Ann! I think it also took the Grace of God for my mom to decide to keep me as well. This story could have gone in so many different ways but I’m thankful for this outcome. My way of healing from this is by sharing in hopes that our experience can minister to another broken heart. It’s the only way and I’m so much better for it! Thanks again for following and reading😇

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    1. I just prayed that the miraculous Blood of Jesus heal and restore! May God’s Will for her life be done NOW and forever more! I know it’s tough but remain encouraged. Both my parents were battling this thing at the same time! My mother as a believer survived and is cancer free today. My father didn’t believe and refused even on his death bed. Not saying that was the ultimate reason but believers do have the power to be healed by Christ Jesus especially if it’s just not our time. I pray this for your daughter! Amen!

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  13. What a powerful piece. It could have gone many directions, but you chose to steer it toward the power of grace to make love from brokenness. We are privileged that you shared it.

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  14. It’s almost impossible for me to write anything more than a pathetic comment about this. Nothing can say more than the smile from your mother next to you in that photograph.

    Unfortunately, many of us have stories of serious sexual assault in our younger lives and/or the younger lives of the people that we love.

    There is a massive amount of love, trust and courage from your Mum to support you sharing the story that you both share.

    God’s blessings to you both.

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  16. I continue to praise God for you, Chanel, and now that I know of your beautiful mother, I praise God for her also! What a brave woman! Thank you both so much for sharing “the real life” with us!

    God ALWAYS runs to meet us where we are with open arms…

    If/when your mother is willing to share via your blog, did she know and rely on Jesus during her traumatic adolescence, or did she come to KNOW and depend on Him later on? God bless you both, and again, thank you so much for obeying the Holy Spirit’s leading to share your true lives in this way: “Real Life” testimonies serve to liberate others, and thus glorify God.

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    1. Hi Deanna, I so look forward to hearing from you as usual! Thank you! This was indeed the toughest articles I have written to date. Like you said, may God be Glorified in it all! I will encourage my mom to respond. She does follow so maybe she will. Blessing my sister and I praise him for connecting us this way😍

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  17. I’m glad you posted this. I’m a character on a different side of a similar story. I was forced by legal obligation and scandal to raise an unwanted child that was the product of his mother and her brother. Thank you for your insight. You look beautiful 🙂

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    1. Wow! Incredible!!! We should never be ashamed to tell our stories. Never know who needs to be encouraged by it! Thanks again for stopping by and helping me confirm that writing and sharing this was the right thing to do!

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  18. An amazing story, much like the stories in the bible where humans, given free will hurt one another and cause such pain! I am so sorry you have to wrestle with the facts of your beginning and feel the ramifications throughout your childhood (now explained), However, through such pain came this wonderful child of God, who is blessing us with her blogs, and her very spirit! While we would like to skip some aspects of our life on earth (for me its the childhood abuse, and the plethora of medical adversity), it is the journey to eternity that molds us and grows us to be closer to God. And with faith in God, your wounds will be healed and your relationship with your Mom will grow closer. What an awesome child of God you are! Stay strong and indeed kick the Devil where it hurts, my friend – with Faith!

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    2. Hi Loretta! Thanks for reading! We all must wrestle with something, right! This just happens to be my story but the details don’t define whose I am! I really am so confident in the woman God called me to be regardless of how I got here. I am a daughter of the most high! Some may criticize me for being this open and intimate, but matters like this are the sole reason I started my blog. To be REAL! Too many people are embarrassed by what they have endured when their testimony must be told so that others can benefit. Writing and sharing also have helped me to heal my own broken heart. I’m in Good place with this. So is my mom! She had to approve this message! Lol! She also follows my blogging journey and is one of my biggest fans. Thanks again for your support in readership. We are forever connected by our common Faith!😇

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    3. Hi Loretta! I crafted another response to your original but I see it did not save:-( Thank you for such an insight into this situation. You are so right that no matter how painful our experiences are they are meant to mold us. I think some people are chosen by our savior to go through Unfathomable circumstances then survive them for his glory! All of it is about him! Can you imagine going through not relying on him to bring us through? I would need a custom made straight jacket for sure! Lol! Thanks for everything☺️

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  19. A heart-wrenching post 😦 I express my utmost sympathy for you and your family. Nevertheless, I am glad to hear that you are remaining strong. That last paragraph above that beautiful picture of you and your mother could not be summed up better 🙂 God bless you and keep up the great work as always 🙂

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    1. Thanks John. It’s been tough for us both and I had to get her permission to write about this before sharing with the world. I wrote this over a month ago not sure if I simply just needed to write it vs. share. I decided to give the experience away and really let go. Maybe someone else can see that if me and my mother can heal from a broken mother/daughter relationship, anyone can! If they try! Today, we are the best we have ever been. Over 30 years of progress made in a single conversation. As painful as it was, it was what we both needed. Blessings to you my friend! As always, thanks for tuning in😀

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