Category: self-help

Soulful Sunday – 1/2016


Hi RLRT readers! I got an unction this week to start a Sunday theme! Not sure yet how often I will do it (Weekly, Bi-Weekly, Monthly) but I’m starting now!
I’ll call it “Soulful Sunday”. Not original but it’s what first came to mind! Ha!

Well this first is about the importance of feeding our souls. Each human is made up of a Body, Mind, and Spirit/Soul.

We typically don’t think twice about feeding our natural bodies food and drink daily. It’s a natural reaction and essential to live. A lot of us even overdo this “Feeding” thing in this area! (Both my hands up while SMH!)

It takes a bit more effort to feed our minds continuously. Our intellect requires nourishment by way of education and reading to obtain earthly knowledge. Some are obsessed with this while others get just enough to be aware of basic life necessities. Never-the-less we all do it whether forced by an instructor or pursued on our own for higher education.

Feeding our souls is essential and I believe the most neglected when society is considered as a whole. Our soul is that part of us that feels, loves, yearns, and longs to make sense out of matters that simply do not….

If the Soul is not fed good and wholesome nourishment, this part of us will surly suffer from starvation. The neglect can produce anger, depression, sadness, confusion, offense, and other adverse reactions that will negatively affect our lives and those in it.

If this famine of the soul goes on for too long, it will have nothing else to rely on but the food supply from our own intelligence. Things we can make sense of naturally will dominate our lives; this can be dangerous territory! The soul will function off of this source but not at its optimum potential. It truly needs it’s own unique food supply!

As a believer in the Gospel and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I feed my soul with his Word. There is no educational book that can provide me with the answers to life that my soul demands. I am an avid reader and have found nothing more satisfying to my spirit than the instructions in the Bible. I am a glutton for what it has to offer and feel whole as a result. 

Do you have a balanced life when it comes to feeding every part of your make up? If you are restless, discontent or stuck in anyway emotionally, it may be because your soul is grossly deprived! Try feeding it with the Word of God on a regular. Take baby bites if you are a beginner and then begin eating until your heart is content! It’s probably the only thing you can overindulge in that won’t have waist line or swollen ego consequences!😇

Until next time – Happy Eating in Mind, Body & Spirit.

So I Dream

I want to be a New York Times best selling author! Yes that’s what I aspire to be. But how, when and do I even dare to invest in this dream? The vision is big, the order tall, the obstacles great and  the competition many….


Yes me; little ole me whose odds in the past have been mostly unfavorable is dreaming; long, hard and consistently as of lates. I’m haunted daily by this fantasy that refuses to go away…
This strong desire comes at a time when life looks so uncertain in the natural and I am unable to see or predict next steps. I’ve completely lost control of the process.  Nothing right now makes sense and I’m extremely uncomfortable. THAT’S REAL TALK!

But my dreams are demanding me to embrace the challenge and see myself out of my current circumstances by taking a chance. Speak those things as though they were, is what my Savior taunts me to do. (Isaiah 55:11, 2nd Corinthians 4:18)


I see myself completely exposed to the attention, the life, the perks and the acclaim. I like most of what I am seeing but not really comfortable with others that will naturally come with the territory (pesky paparazzi and the gossip columnists. I could do without all of them!). It all seems so real through the lens of my discerning eye.

Journey with me for a moment; if you will..

I see my name in the papers, the critics praise and critique my work. I am the talk of the town!

My “Pen Name” is scripted on the cover of books; hard, soft and electronic copies. They are published in the U.S.A and abroad; in various languages for all to appreciate.

I am preparing for awards and writing acceptance speeches; and yes, I’m nervous but I can and must do this!

People are throwing honorary gatherings in my name! The parties are simply fabulous and I must get ready!

I’m draped in breath taking gowns meant for a Movie Star. Vera Wang wants me to model her latest design. So does Versace. I’m confused on which to choose. I certainly won’t be going with CHANEL right now for that would  be way too predictable of course! What’s a girl to do? (sigh!)

I’m Living in a “castle like” abode and hire a wonderful chef to prepare my meals.  Lots of veggies and salad please! 

I’m giving back to the very few who cheered me along the way; when I was no one and my voice was silent. I would not be here without them and my gratitude is endless!


Yes, I’m Dreaming like I hit the lottery today but the reward comes from the work of my own hands and not by luck of the draw.
My dreams contradict my reality and common experience. For I’m from poverty, neglect, and routinely overlooked in most places I venture.
But recently I read the backgrounds of two authors whom I admire greatly. They both made it to my dream status and they sound like me! In Fact, they were me, long ago until they started to act out on their dreams….

I shall keep hoping, wishing and yearning. My sacrificial work that must be done in conjunction is my act of faith for I too deserve. Yeah, that’s right; with my head held up high I boldly profess, “Why Not Me!”

What about you? What are you longing for? Share and come dream with me!

#Dream #Ibelieveinme  #Dreambig  #Nevergiveup 


Jesus Take the Wheel

This experience is amazing! The feeling is incredible, it’s peaceful serenity beyond my imagination and a calming I have never known. I don’t want it to ever escape me. So I am holding on with a grasp so strong that I can almost feel the warm sensation of bleeding trickling down my soul. It’s cutting, but I welcome the agony for it really hurts so good.


Yet I’m way too vulnerable for complete comfort. I feel naked and exposed; emotionally and spiritually. I’m use to calling my own shots, making my own way and producing my own results. Surrendering my will is the hardest thing I have ever had to do! That’s REAL TALK! Yet at this precise moment in my life, I have no other choice. My health, my sanity, my destiny are all at risk if I keep trying to create my own path which has been leading me absolutely nowhere! That’s the agony and bleeding of it all.




I have talked a good talk and presented myself outwardly as if I’m truly believing. But I confess that I have been a counterfeit. Far from authentic in what I know to be true! My pride has gotten the very best of me and I’m left weak and out of options.

I’m talking about a REAL faith walk. REALLY trusting God with my now and my future. I’ve been delaying my own destiny with my stubbornness and trying to go in the opposite direction of his will for my life. I haven’t trusted that he REALLY is going to do what he said he will.



Faith Walk

Father God I’m sorry, for my ego has been my drive. I’ve been an Indian giver and playing tug of war with you for too long. I’m letting go and finally surrender my wheel to you….



Are you trying to make your own way out of fear, being comfortable in routine, lack of patience and not trusting God enough? Having more faith in our own strength than his promises is a sure method to a dead end.




im me i trust

Think about it as I have as you journey through 2016 and make some adjustments. Is it time for you to give up that stressful job that is clearly taking a toll on your health but you fear lacking provision? Is it time to stop procrastinating and start that business but you fear not having resources? Is it time to stop demanding your own way in your relationships because you just have to always be right? Is it time for you to go to the alter and solidify your union according to God’s plan for man and wife but you are fearful because your last ended with divorce? What ever it is that you are trying to keep control of, ask yourself an honest question; is it really working for you?

His best for your life is directly connected to you simply letting go and TRULY letting God….


Let Go


Hope Remains – 2015 Year-End Blog


At the start of this year I developed this blog with great anticipation and enthusiasm.  Finally I was brave enough to act out on “The Gift”.  I have procrastinated long enough on what I am sure God has given me.


I envisioned at least 20 followers in the first month.  Mostly friends and family for sure.  Then of course would come multiple unique comments that would promote thought provoking conversation.  Of course thereafter I would be presented with an opportunity to be a guest blogger on bigger sites with more traffic. Finally I would finish my manuscript and get prepared for publishing.  But 29 articles later, what I really got was over 1600 website views; most never returned, 700 visitors; again most of them were non-returns as well; and just 18 followers of which only 3 or 4 are actual true readers.


These are my stats over the course of 359 days.  Not good or anywhere close to what I was expecting.  I received more “likes” on one of my Facebook posts over this past weekend than I received “Likes” on all of my blog articles combined.  How crushed is my ego!


Still the passion remains and I still hear the soft urging of God’s voice followed by inspiration to just write.  Its frustrating, but I will never be able to shake the desire to keep at it.  It’s ingrained in my soul and a permanent fabric of my being.  One day, perhaps in the coming year, a break through will occur.  I remain hopeful…..


What I do know for sure is the topics I write about are strong, serious and inspirationally centered. I have painfully become aware that our society wants information in a millisecond and rarely has time for a 10 minute read especially if its faith based.  Quick and fast is how most like it.  Confirmation has been received by way of feedback stating that my writings are too long. Others show actions of quick acknowledgement of my posts on social media followed by no evidence of reading its content.  What an insult; I would rather they not!  Or simply just pure silence from my connected audience. How do I develop and reach a consistent following without compromise?


I don’t know the answer right now but I refuse to use my talent to advance the work of the enemy.  Sex, lies, greed and destruction are all subject matters that are already being automatically promoted by more than enough people.  I can’t have those matters being part of my legacy or attached to my name.  So I press forward with renewed vision and extended hope.


I shall hold on to my faith that God will show me how to develop a reading audience in numbers and consistency. 2015 did not turn out the way I had hoped and visualized but I won’t abort the vision.  I must endure the the process which sometimes involves failure and setbacks.  Writing is way too intimate to my make up which will never be satisfied on anything else.


I walk into 2016 with my head held high and my ear focused on his voice.  My spirit is well endowed with expectancy.  No matter what it looks like in the natural.  The best is yet to come for he has reminded me so.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Stay tuned…..





Coming IN – A GLBT Tribute


As a Believer this is the most difficult, complex and controversial article I have ever written. I’m actually a bit nervous as I own these words. What will they say? What will they think? What backlashing label will I receive? Should I even utter a word? Never-the-less, I am compelled for I know that these are some of the same sentiments those in the GLBT community face daily and more. So as brave as many of them have become, so shall I from a Christian perspective as I come to terms with what I have labeled as their process of “Coming In”. 

I confess that I have viewed those in the GLBT realm rather harshly as a heterosexual female and Believer in the Gospel of Christ Jesus. My judgement as an imperfect being against another has been the true reflection of hypocrisy. For this I am truly remorseful. I vow to work on this from here on out!

Over the past several months I had the opportunity to be up close and personal with two couples. One, a mixed married male couple who invited my husband and I to their home for a birthday celebration. I initially had reservations because of the unknown. My husband is a childhood friend of one of the men. He has known him for over 30 years but had not seen him in many. His friend has been avoiding school reunions and other gatherings and we can only suspect it’s because of his lifestyle. When they were young, he did not portray himself as a Gay man. The suspicion was there but no one dared to ask. By the end of the night I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of kindness, overwhelming hospitality, conversation and generosity extended to us. I had a fabulous time! There was nothing weird, gross, or disturbing behavior displayed. Most importantly, my husband walked away with closure as he took a moment with his friend to clear the air, asked him to own up to his choices and officially introduce us to his spouse. Even as a middle aged man living Gay for many years, it was evident that the request was both difficult and a tremendous relief all at the same time. To my surprise, I was genuinely happy for the couple and look forward to seeing them again.

The other couple are females. They are very young and facing their beginning years of embracing their sexuality publicly. I have an intimate and binding relationship with one of the them. I have known of her struggle to walk in her truth for years but we have never talked about it due to both distance, time and opportunity. I have also suspected avoidance on both our parts as a culprit as well. 

Recently I stole a moment with her. It was time to remove the elephant in the room that has been a hinderance in our relationship. It was time for him to go! At this point in our lives I wanted to create a sense of transparency in order to bring us closer if at all possible. I started the conversation by telling her how proud I am of her accomplishments as a young woman. She has been stellar in academics, has developed a committed work ethic, still dabbles in her creativity and has recently ventured out and secured her own living quarters. She is so personable, funny and loving. I followed by telling her if anything I had to say makes her uncomfortable to simply shut me down! At this point I felt I had a right to address the issue. Her transition is happening before my eyes so why not talk about it since she’s part of my life indefinitely. I only hoped she saw my approach the same way.

I told her that I am not only proud of her life achievements but also her bravery and strength of “Coming In” to her true and authentic self. Anything less has been bondage, suppression, and down right phony for her. She can’t live her life trying to fulfill everyone else’s expectations of who they think she should be. I believe the conversation was embraced and bought on a sense of relief. At least it did for me. I am not one of the most significant in her circle but I am a part never-the-less. I needed her to know that I love her no matter what.  

For Christians, I think we must alter our approach when it comes to the GLBT Community. After we share what the word says then provide warning against wrong doing there is nothing left but to give love and PRAY! They are not going anywhere and are making great strides in their fight for acknowledgement and equality. We do ourselves and our Savior an injustice by classifying their way of life as the greatest sin of all. Only he has a right to do that. 

Please know that I DO NOT condone the lifestyle. I believe it greatly interrupts God’s plan for his children. According to the word of God in which I believe, it is sin. He calls it an abomination. Noted in both the Old and New Testament, the act does not conform to HIS will for human life. (Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, Romans 1:26-27)

Furthermore, neither do I condemn the lifestyle because I have no right as a person who must deal with my own sins as I walk with God. Unforgiveness, revenge seeking, self loathing, looking down on others and not being compassionate enough towards those in need are just to name a few that I have battled with just this week! I have countless issues, THIS IS REAL TALK! I’m not and will never be perfect. I have my own work to do! So do those who continue to judge the GLBT community. None are blameless! The Word is absolutely clear about this as well! (Matthew 7:1-5)

To my brothers and sister in Christ, please consider addressing the GLBT community as you would anyone else. I am certainly NOT talking about the ridiculous concept of “Praying The Gay Away”! it’s not going to happen! Pray for their safety for they are being hunted, harassed and harmed. Pray for their well being for some consider taking their own lives because the struggle of accepting who they are is real! Pray for their health for many are sick. (Not just with HIV & AIDS – Lets remove the stigma that they all are some big walking disease because all of them are not!) Pray for their relationships with family and friends to heal and grow stronger. Pray for those who share our Faith in Christ that they don’t loose sight of who he is in their lives. Finally Pray for their salvation for many believe that God does not want them because of how they live. This is what we Must Do in love. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

To the GLBT community, forgive me, the Church and those who judge you that are far from perfect. I am learning that many of you who don’t flaunt promiscuity or force your choices in the faces of others are some of the most beautiful, loving and giving people ever! You have morals, values and respect very similar to my own. Honestly, I am learning to embrace the GLs but still struggle with the BTs. I just simply don’t get it, but am more willing to take a more sensitive and neutral position again because of my own imperfections.

I no longer view the process of exposing sexuality as a “Coming Out”. It is rather a “Coming In”; to a truth that is so personal and not about anyone else but the person dealing with the matter. Yes others will ultimately have to decide what they will do once you expose, especially if you have been concealing from family and friends. But the first person to accept who you are as a GLBT person is YOU. Be authentic, be sovereign, be secure, be well in mind, body and spirit. Last but not least, “Come In” to knowing that God STILL loves and wants you! No matter what you think or what others tell you. Develop and “Come In” to a personal relationship with him. JUST AS YOU ARE! YOU’RE GOING TO NEED HIM. We all do! He loves all of his children no matter how messy we think we may be. No one is exempt from receiving his love and no one has done anything so terrible that they are not worthy of it. Unlike humans, His love is unconditional! Let go of the insignificant perception of others. People don’t matter when it comes to You and God! Breath; Be you, Be Free, and just “Come In”.

Comments to this blog are encouraged. Anything offensive, derogatory, and over-opinionated as deemed by the author will be deleted. 

Forgive God

Several months ago I discovered an extremely disheartening fact about my life. Although I did nothing to contribute to the circumstances, the news left me incredibly disturbed. In digesting what had been shared about how I came to be, my emotions ran extremely wild. At first I was shocked and numb, then I was grateful that I had not heard this years earlier. For my fragile and unstable spirit in my adolescent years could have possibly led me to an untimely grave.
Then I shifted to understanding. I felt a heightened level of empathy for those involved and even hoped one day they will find peace in it all. The news also provided real clarity concerning some difficult questions I have bared about my life for countless years. It all makes sense to me now. Finally I know; But left extremely livid with God…

A blog post I wrote earlier this year was entitled “Being Mad at God” To this day I don’t believe enough people will admit to having these sentiments. I am indeed a believer in the Gospel of Christ but I am also a realist which may not alway be a valuable quality. I feel I am doing my relationship with my Savior an injustice if I don’t remain authentic with my feelings. THAT’S REAL TALK! How else can I move forward?

Two weeks ago I had the privilege of sharing my truth with someone who survived a similar fate in life. This woman is a wise pillar of incredible strength. A nurturing motherly figure she is with a sweet and genuine disposition. She is also extremely no-nonsense when it comes to spiritual warfare. A powerful intercessor in prayer and counsel. I was divinely set up to share my pain with her and I was ready.

“You must Forgive God.”, was part of her advice as she prayed for me. In all of my 42 years on this earth I had never heard of such a thing! I’m already Mad at him which I dare not share with a single soul now I have to forgive him? Who am I to have such audacity? It almost sounded like blasphemy; an insult to the High One who does no wrong, EVER! I was left overwhelming perplexed but intrigued at the same time.

I left my counselor feeling renewed but still confused. How do I begin a process that I can’t even relate feeling worthy of? He’s God and nothing he does or allows is error. ! (All things are working for our good. Romans 8:28) Still I needed to consider if there was any validity to the theory.

After a week of digesting my nearly 3 hour mentoring conversation I finally decided to explore the option. I was still feeling some kind of way towards God. I had to do something. I referenced the Internet and Googled the term “Forgive God”. As I suspected, I received very few hits in return. No one is admitting to my experience nor have they written on the topic. I initially felt awful and nearly chalked this matter up as me simply being immature in my Christian Walk. I just need to grow up once and for all. But then I ran across an article on a credible website. It was just what I needed to read!

My anger with God is due to my hurt feelings. In all honesty, I have felt let down, disappointed, betrayed and ill regarded by the one who created me. How can he allow these things to happen to me if he loves me and is in control of all things?

I must deal with these individual emotions and come to grips that God truly cares about my views. If I don’t, my future and others tied to it are in jeopardy. His perfect will is indeed manifesting in my life and all circumstances had to be, even those I have been grossly offended by.

I am learning that the act of “Forgiving God” is not equivalent to that of Flesh & Blood. Human lives WILL DO wrong requiring forgiveness. But since God NEVER wrongs, addressing forgiveness with him must be approached differently.

The adverse emotions that I feel towards him are what the enemy wants in order for me to stay stuck in self pity. The longer I reside in these emotions the longer I delay my destiny that the pain is a direct part of. Like my counselor, my pain is not about me alone. Others are waiting to be free by my testimony. Just as she did for me I must position myself for those in waiting.

Forgiveness is a process which I am still working through. More prayer scripture and faith in the matter is the only prescription I need to finally heal. I’ve tried, but truth is I simply can’t live without God. There is no other way….

(Cut and paste the below links to access the article and theme song. For those who have discretely dealt with this issue, you will be blessed!)

Article –  Will you forgive God?
Theme Song –  There is no way I can live without you.


Not On My Watch


The text message both shocked and disturbed me. Not only its content but the person it came from. As I sat at a stop signal after picking up my son from daycare, my phone lit up. I found myself staring at these words “. I would like to speak to you in person or on the phone. It’s about suicide….” For just a moment, I became mentally paralyzed by what I was reading. Initially I didn’t hear my child calling my name to turn on his favorite song nor did I know what color the stop light was now reading. The extended sound of multiple car horns began to ring out in symphony. I had obviously annoyed people behind me because the light was indeed green when I looked up. I returned to existence by throwing my cell phone into the passenger seat, hit the gas pedal forward and reached for the radio dial. I must remain calm….

For the remainder of my ride home I thought about the person whom I’d received the message from. I know her, but I don’t. She hasn’t let me in over the years; and I have tried. I’d taken an interest in wanting to get to know her better for she is a reflection of me 20 years ago. Young, beautiful, intelligent yet awkward, severely misplaced and constantly misunderstood….

As soon as I reached my house and got my son a snack I called this young woman. I reached her voice mail so I left a message. I received this calm and peace that she was physically fine but desperately needed my ear. It was God assuring me not to let my mind run off with the unthinkable simply because she didn’t answer my call. Is she thinking about taking her own life? Is she even capable of such an act? Had life really gotten that bad that she feels this is her only resort? These questions echoed in my mind for the next 2 hour as I got my son settled and handled other routine domestic duties.

By the end of the night my energy level was nearly depleted but I was not going to let the dawn arrive before talking to her. I found a quiet place to have my conversation without forewarning anyone of the situation. This was a precious, private and personal matter that warranted no other intervention but the moving power of the most high.

When I dialed her number she answered on the first couple of rings. After a few minutes of small talk I got right to the matter. What do you have to ask me about suicide? Over the next hour the space I was trying to get to with this young person was made available. She shared with me her deepest pain. Very heavy, very complex very rooted. In her mind permanent rest seemed like her only escape because life just is not getting any better.

I allowed her to spill every account without interruption. For it was evident that she needed it. What she didn’t know, so did I. When I had the chance to speak I shared with her my own painful past which connected the dots she has been having trouble understanding; we have so much in common and are a lot alike. The phone call ended by leading her to the only source that can help her with this battle in her mind; Jesus Christ, The Great I Am. God led me to turn the conversation into a prayer line and that I did. I plead his protection, power and healing all over her life. For she can’t see it now but she’s living her testimony that she must share with others who will soon be facing her same mind set. I urged her to find a reason everyday to keep on going. She is chosen regardless of how displaced she may feel.

After we hung up I texted her a phone number to seek Christian Counseling. Therapy is necessary for the matters she is facing are years in the making and she continues to add weight to those burdens as she experiences new ones. The pressure is becoming to heavy to keep concealed and handle alone.

I learned a couple of lessons after this encounter. One of them confirmed to me that the experienced must help the less than. Maintaining tunnel vision is selfish especially as believers. Our lives are meant to be lived to help others and not just focus on our own agendas. The Movie “War Room”, a Christian film on how to really fight life’s difficulties shows an awesome example of an older woman purposed to help a younger woman. In fact she prayed for the opportunity and for God to send her a specific person. God did just that! When her work was done the Sr. Challenged the Jr. to pay it forward and find someone younger than her to help in the same way. We need more of this for sure today.

The topic of suicide is taboo in our society. We don’t openly speak of it until someone has actually acted out. If you dare mention that you have had the thought you are labeled as weak or suffering from mental illness. I don’t feel that is 100% accurate. I feel it takes an extremely strong and brave person to admit they have been or in fact are there! Life is extremely difficult and when being pressed on every side, waking up and facing the pressures all over again can be more than a challenge. Even The character Job in the bible wished his life to be over when he lost everything that meant anything to him.

Can you admit that you have been where my young friend is? Well I have! If it had not been for the Gospel, I truly would not be here! This is REAL TALK!

If you or someone you know feels like Suicide is the answer, please understand that the difficulties you face are so much bigger than what you can fathom. Your life is about the Will of God and not your own. What you are facing now is your pain to your life’s purpose. You must live it and unfortunately can’t fast forward this part. But stick around to see the goodness of God show himself strong in your life. While you wait, pray, get counseling, find someone who can relate to help pull you through. You will survive this no matter how hard it seems!
As for my friend, I’m committed to being there for her and check in often. I have and I will. She must live and not die, at least not on my watch..

Alone in a Crowd

I have grown accustomed to my uniqueness. It has taken many years to actually embrace and see the beauty of my individuality. But every now and then the desire to simply want to fit in effortlessly with the majority still emerges from time to time. Like a switch I wish to trade in my difference for the sake of being common and socially acceptable…

Ever heard the term “I feel alone even in a room full of people”? I have actually spent most of my years with this sentiment. I was never the life of the party and often felt awkward trying to fit in when I am forced to. In school, at parties, during gatherings and even sometimes at church. I don’t stand out and people are not naturally drawn to me. I am often overlooked and not the initial choice of most in social settings. It’s like I am invisible. I sometimes wonder what people see when they look at me. Those who venture to get to know me typically find themselves pleasantly surprised, but it won’t happen the first time around….

This by no means bothers me as a mature adult as it once haunted me daily as a youth. I have found a sense of peace through God that there is nothing wrong with me for he has assured that I am wonderfully made. I do know this for sure and am confident in the skin I’m in. I have even discovered advantages to my personality type; it is full of creativity! I am an intense thinker and when I channel those moments that are out of my control of wanting to be excepted, I tap into the gifts that my Heavenly Father has graced upon me. That always works…

Never-the-less in this world in order to reach certain statuses an art of communicating, mingling and winning over people must be developed in order to advance in certain areas. I have learned and trained myself with much force and effort to deny my introverted comfort zone for the sake of getting ahead in education, business and other areas where people skills are essential. As awkward as it has been at times over the years I kind of find it funny when I consider some of those moments where my attempts have failed. My efforts of altering my personality may have come across as disengenuine, trying too hard or just down right weird! Yet no matter how many times I failed at it, I always tried again. For the natural loner, The art can be perfected once you get out of your own head! For the few who have dared to get to really know me will read this and find these words none applicable to my persona. That is only because they have given the person I really am a chance. I’m thankful for those few. 

Forcing yourself to be someone you are naturally not is terribly exhausting at times. I can put on the facade for a while then after that I must stop the act and retreat before the real me shows up. Talk about weird!! As I pen these words I am out of town on a company trip. Business meetings by day and group dinners by night with corporate lawyers, paralegals, compliance officers and big time executives. The conference room is crowded yet I feel alone but am supposedly “One of them”. That is only true in title but not theory. I don’t fit in! Trying to mingle during breaks feels forced, awkward and down right uncomfortable. I must try because my boss and boss’s boss are watching. I gauge in succeeding at holding small talk with a few in short spurts but that’s about it. My efforts will have to be good enough. It’s all I can do for I’m not holding any one person’s attention long enough for them to want or come back for more. 

Dinner time comes and the business facade continues. Instead of wondering why I can’t fit in which I have been doing for hours I look around at others and find I am not the only one. There are several struggling to engage in conversation they can hold continuously with others. In this uncomfortable reality I feel comfort that I am really not alone in the struggle.

Can you relate to this? I think every one in life has had a similar moment. For some it’s a way of existence. In your singled-outness the next time you find yourself in a crowd but feel alone, instead of getting down about why you don’t fit in and you can’t leave, mentally escape to that place that stirs your creativity. Take a note or capture a thought and hold it until you can get back to your comfort zone to expand on it. If that does not work, look around the room more closely. Everybody there IS NOT as comfortable as they may pretend to be. I guarantee you will find at least one other person either struggling to fit in or has given up all together by sitting alone playing on their cell phone.

Social acceptance is necessary but should not be burdensome. If you are a loner don’t be jealous of another who appears to be a people magnet. That’s their gift. Re-Channel that energy and find out what you have to offer. Endure the odd moments; for we all must. They will come and go. But most importantly know you are not as weird as you think you are. You’re really not! For it is written, You too are fearfully and Wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

The Somebody I am

The great I am

My last blog post spoke on the topic of “Letting Go” of painful relationships endured with relatives.  The example I gave concerned my estranged relationship with my biological father.  Ironically as I was penning the words and undenounced to me, he was dying a horrible and painful death by the destruction of cancer. It metastasized from his stomach, to his liver, to his lungs and ultimately to his brain. I was informed that the morphine stopped working and he experienced agonizing and unfathomable discomfort until his very last breath. He passed away this week. We had not spoken in nearly 4 years…….

I grieve today but not in the way that most would when losing a parent.  Unfortunately I did not know the man.  Alcohol and a chronic gambling addiction that I have seen as a part of his existence for more than 30 years were the primary culprits. We were never able to gain consistent momentum as a healthy father and daughter duo. We had our moments in between his attempts to quit the alcohol at least, but they never lasted long.  I don’t publicize this information in an effort to demoralize his character by far; they are just facts in the way he chose to live his life.

Furthermore as a believer in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I don’t have confidence that my soul will meet his again for I also understand that with great reluctance, he refused with his heart accepting the Lord as his Savior; even on his death bed. For this alone my core is extremely heavy.  For I have not only been robbed of being “Daddy’s Little Girl” in the natural because of his struggles, but spiritually I am also robbed of a possible divine reconciliation. I often wonder what lied behind his obvious deep rooted struggles that would make him be so steadfast against assuring that his soul rested in heaven.

When I consider the traits and generational curses on both sides of my family, they are great in number.  Alcoholism, gambling addictions, drug dependencies, mental illness, poverty, physical, sexual, and criminal offenses are just to name a few.  It is more than enough to question how anything good could come out of such transgressions. For through the years I have even found myself tempted, participating and suffering from a few of the above mentioned…. This is REAL TALK.

What I have found that is even greater is the fight to not allow these curses to overtake my life and continue to affect the generation that God has blessed me to start.  I am now a parent and my greatest apprehension is for any of these issues becoming a part of my Son’s future.  I purpose to give him the childhood and start that I was denied and keep him forever lifted up and covered in prayer.

But back to me, Who am I? This is a question that I have constantly asked myself over the years.  My truth is I am nobody, I am nothing, I am neglected, cast down, rejected, forsaken, unwanted, overlooked and misunderstood……All in the Natural. If any of these descriptions were matters my biological father accepted as his misguided reality without consulting the spirit, it’s no wonder his life ended the way that it did.  I have found that I cannot answer the question of “who I am” nor survive the cards that life has dealt me in the natural.  With gratefulness beyond description I have discovered In the SuperNatural that I am all of the opposite.  I am Loved, accepted, cherished, precious, protected, wanted, regarded, considered and completely comprehended. Had it not been for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ coupled by my belief in what he did is true, my end could certainly look like that of my earthly father.   The curse stops here!

I do thank my biological father for his contribution towards my existence. He is gone now and I remain content that I did all that I could to better our relationship.  I don’t have any regrets just some sorrow that he was never able to see that life could have been lived a completely different way with extraordinary results.

Never-the-less, my Spiritual truth is because of the sacrifices of The Great “I AM”, I survive and overcome the malice of my genetic makeup. I know though HIM and only through HIM that Somebody, I am………….