My last blog post spoke on the topic of “Letting Go” of painful relationships endured with relatives. The example I gave concerned my estranged relationship with my biological father. Ironically as I was penning the words and undenounced to me, he was dying a horrible and painful death by the destruction of cancer. It metastasized from his stomach, to his liver, to his lungs and ultimately to his brain. I was informed that the morphine stopped working and he experienced agonizing and unfathomable discomfort until his very last breath. He passed away this week. We had not spoken in nearly 4 years…….
I grieve today but not in the way that most would when losing a parent. Unfortunately I did not know the man. Alcohol and a chronic gambling addiction that I have seen as a part of his existence for more than 30 years were the primary culprits. We were never able to gain consistent momentum as a healthy father and daughter duo. We had our moments in between his attempts to quit the alcohol at least, but they never lasted long. I don’t publicize this information in an effort to demoralize his character by far; they are just facts in the way he chose to live his life.
Furthermore as a believer in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I don’t have confidence that my soul will meet his again for I also understand that with great reluctance, he refused with his heart accepting the Lord as his Savior; even on his death bed. For this alone my core is extremely heavy. For I have not only been robbed of being “Daddy’s Little Girl” in the natural because of his struggles, but spiritually I am also robbed of a possible divine reconciliation. I often wonder what lied behind his obvious deep rooted struggles that would make him be so steadfast against assuring that his soul rested in heaven.
When I consider the traits and generational curses on both sides of my family, they are great in number. Alcoholism, gambling addictions, drug dependencies, mental illness, poverty, physical, sexual, and criminal offenses are just to name a few. It is more than enough to question how anything good could come out of such transgressions. For through the years I have even found myself tempted, participating and suffering from a few of the above mentioned…. This is REAL TALK.
What I have found that is even greater is the fight to not allow these curses to overtake my life and continue to affect the generation that God has blessed me to start. I am now a parent and my greatest apprehension is for any of these issues becoming a part of my Son’s future. I purpose to give him the childhood and start that I was denied and keep him forever lifted up and covered in prayer.
But back to me, Who am I? This is a question that I have constantly asked myself over the years. My truth is I am nobody, I am nothing, I am neglected, cast down, rejected, forsaken, unwanted, overlooked and misunderstood……All in the Natural. If any of these descriptions were matters my biological father accepted as his misguided reality without consulting the spirit, it’s no wonder his life ended the way that it did. I have found that I cannot answer the question of “who I am” nor survive the cards that life has dealt me in the natural. With gratefulness beyond description I have discovered In the SuperNatural that I am all of the opposite. I am Loved, accepted, cherished, precious, protected, wanted, regarded, considered and completely comprehended. Had it not been for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ coupled by my belief in what he did is true, my end could certainly look like that of my earthly father. The curse stops here!
I do thank my biological father for his contribution towards my existence. He is gone now and I remain content that I did all that I could to better our relationship. I don’t have any regrets just some sorrow that he was never able to see that life could have been lived a completely different way with extraordinary results.
Never-the-less, my Spiritual truth is because of the sacrifices of The Great “I AM”, I survive and overcome the malice of my genetic makeup. I know though HIM and only through HIM that Somebody, I am………….