Category: Relationships

Inspiration, Relationships, Self Empowerment, Spiritual Awareness

When its time to Let Go

Letting-Go-Quotes-28

Have you ever remained in a toxic relationship because you felt you had to? You knew it was unhealthy.  All the signs were there.  In fact, nearly every time you were in the presence of  a certain person confirmation constantly warned you.  You knew it was unhealthy and more than likely would never improve.  However, the expectations of others coupled by your own guilt and people pleasing ways, you continue to endure.  The hurt, backstabbing, selfishness, conditional love, inconsistencies and lack of give and take; you accept it all, every time. Its all you have ever done and all you have ever known.   You are the only one in the relationship truly trying and all for the sake of what’s expected.  It’s a very heavy facade to bear long term.  Exposed you appear strong, handling it well, smile and laugh on cue because others are certainly watching and judging.  But behind closed doors you cry, ache, pray and long for change.  For waiting for change is easier than considering the inevitable…Letting go.

I think we all experience situations like this at some point in our lives.  Seasonal people come and go whether we release them or they walk away on their own.  Accepting the process is easier with some people than others.  Sometimes we recognize right away the unnecessary chaos a person is causing in our lives.  The “Good Byes and Good Riddance” comes effortlessly.  But what if this painful situation involves a loved one.  A person you are connected to by D.N.A. 1st line blood born relation.  What do you do then?

I have had to withstand this unfortunately a few times in my life. Not because I wanted to but because I had to.  One situation involved my biological father.  A man who walked out of my life as a toddler and remained excessively inconsistent for years.  Out of my desperation of wanting to be “Daddy’s Little Girl” I chased after him in an effort to win his approval, affection and adoration.  This failed pursuit lasted for nearly two decades.  If I did not chase he would not bother.  His words said that he loved me but his actions more than proved otherwise.  Letting go was not easy by far.  I was going to make him love and treat me the way I thought I deserved as his daughter.  That was my will and far from his.  After much hurt, countless tears, severe rejection and lack of support I finally let go.  It wasn’t until my heart lined up with my spirit that peace in the decision took over me. Today, its been nearly 4 years and I continue to experience a calm with this matter that has been priceless.  It is well with my soul for I am certain that I have done all I can. This type of serenity I only wish I had awarded myself in half the time versus 20 years.  But feeling obligated by the urging of others (But That’s Your Father!) and the little wounded girl within me still longing for his approval, I suffered longer than I ever had to.  I pray and wish nothing but the best for my Father, for he has missed out on the ultimate prize; the evolution of ME:-)

Unhealthy relationships can tear down the human spirit and cause one to lose focus on God’s infinite purpose for their life. Along the way depression, self loathing and a crushed esteem can be the ultimate result of staying in unprofitable relationships long term.  We get so stuck on a person’s title in our lives that we feel that we can do nothing but actively deal with it.  Just because someone is your Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Aunt, Uncle or Cousin gives them no right to wreck havoc in your life.  If these people are not working with you to improve the relationship in a give and take fashion a decision needs to be made to let them go.

The only obligation you have is towards yourself.  If you don’t take care of you certainly no one else will.  That’s a stark and painful reality when you consider family members for it is not politically correct to sever a relationship with certain people.  Right? Well I’m no politician by far and dare to go against the grain!

If a person continues to cause you pain, let them go!  if they are not working towards improving themselves or acknowledge their wrong doing in the relationship, let them go!  If they have continuously shown that they are envious, spiteful, un-supportive, critical  and simply don’t have your best interest at heart, LET THEM GO!  This may be scary but depending on the person, this may not be permanent.  Once they see how far away they have pushed you, they may come back around.  But in your letting go, have no expectations for this will only lead to more of a broken heart.

If you are reading this, can relate and are considering a situation like this in your life, ask yourself “What am I truly holding on to?” As painful as it may be, loosen up your grips, close your eyes, open your hands and let go.  Without guilt, without regret, without fear, heal and be free…..

“At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life” – Sandi Lynn

Inspiration, Relationships, Self Empowerment, Spiritual Awareness

Being Mad At God

Mad at God

While checking the activity of one of my social media accounts, I saw an interesting post that stopped me in my tracks.  It solicited responses to a very simple but thought provoking question. It read, “If you had the opportunity to talk to one person who is no longer on this earth, who would that be and what would you say to them?”  This poll obviously caught the attention of many for there were countless replies to the common thread.  The evident was noted as people wrote out their desires to see, touch and feel loved ones who had pass away.  Mothers, fathers, spouses, friends, children and others were a mutual theme.  Yet as I considered the remarks of numerous strangers to this question, I also noted another trendy response.  Many wished they had the change to talk face-to-face with the Heavenly Father and ask him countless “Why” questions.  Why so much poverty?; Why the premature death?; Why did this thing not work out when I tried my best?; Why did you allow the enemy to win in this situation?; WHERE ARE YOU? These common pleas confirmed in my spirit that there are a lot of people Mad at God.

As a believer, I can relate to these sentiments and have no problem admitting so.  Many of us will not.  Giving off the ongoing façade that they remain in the glory, ever believing, faithful and trusting at all times is perceived as the right thing to do as a mature Christian.  Personally I think this mindset is a completely deceiving testament to those who struggle to understand how God operates in our lives.  If we are not REAL about our experiences, (while we are going through them, and not just after the deliverance), we silently give off a false perception about this walk. Who is that really helping?

I am a realist and a very practical thinker.  As a believer, I see strengths and flaws in these personality traits, but they are who I am none-the-less (And God knows this already for I am his child).  As I pen these words, I myself am going through my own state of mixed emotions with God.   There are sets of circumstances going on in my life that I am just not happy with and I wonder where he is and what he is doing in the midst of it all.  Not proud to admit but in my times of frustration, I stop communicating with him for I don’t know what to say.  This is especially true during those times when I think I have heard from him so clearly, walked out in what I thought I heard and then it does not work out.  What now? I certainly don’t want to hear a bunch of Christian Cliché’s, for they are not resourceful. I don’t want to be around a bunch of fake believers who are not honest about “The going through” process either. Who needs that!  My relationship with God is very personal and has similar ups and downs to when I am having a challenge with my spouse, a friend a co-worker or other significant relationships.  The only difference is no matter how indifferent I become, I always end up back on my knees apologizing, asking for forgiveness and falling right back into his arms. The truth is, no matter how mad I get, the act of coming back to him shows I still trust him with my life; for there is nothing else I choose to do.

For those today who are disappointed or angry with God, let me encourage you to not stay there long.  Sort out your feelings, have your spiritual temper tantrum then remember that he is the God that has your best interest at hand (Even when it doesn’t seem like it!)  Although we are made in his image, He does not think like us, he does not move like us, and he certainly does not react like us. Thank Goodness! Could you imagine if he did?  I don’t even want to think about it!!

Some may disagree with me, but I believe that its human nature to be mad and disappointed with God at times.  We are with everything else, so why be phony about this factual position?  We are fooling no one especially not HIM! He knows each and every one of us no matter how perfect we try to present ourselves to others.

My best words of advice on this controversial topic is to tell God how you feel.  In your anger, in your tears in your frustration….Be REAL with him!  He already knows anyway but you will feel so much better when you can get it out in the open with HIM first!  After you have “vented” immediately go into the act of asking for forgiveness, thank him, worship him and tell him that in spite of it all, you still trust him.  REALLY, what else are you going to do that makes sense, is profitable and will restore your sense of peace?

There is a song that I listen to when I am feeling this way.  It’s called “Fragile”. Listen to the words and I am sure you will be able to relate to each and every lyric.  God still has our backs no matter how mad we get or how improbable life seems to become.

Tasha Page-Lockhart – Fragile-   https://youtu.be/UGzjeLFCqCI

Relationships

Senseless Small Stuff

Toothpast II

Most are familiar with the old cliché’ “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. We probably have either recited it or heard it more than a dozen times throughout our lives.  When those words are being spoken, do we really understand in depth what we are stating or hearing?  Or is it just easier to express these over used terms without deep consideration in an effort to have something to say, wrap up a conversation or to appear clever in the company of others?

The “Small Stuff” phrase is actually a powerful group of words that if taken to heart can help in avoiding unnecessary agony and grief. The statement simply means, choose not to make big deals out of minor situations.  Life is already difficult enough when considering stressors on the job, children, finances and health matters. Yet many are still so easily moved to anger when someone they claim to love just can’t seem to put the cap back on the toothpaste! When thinking about the larger impact, is all that negative energy really worth it?

My husband is a chronic snorer.  When he is in a deep sleep he literally sounds like a mile long wind tunnel.  His blares are deep, long and can wake me clear out of my slumber or prevent me from meeting sleep all together.  This use to simply infuriate me beyond description.  I would shake and wake him yelling and screaming for him to shut up.  Of course he would be completely oblivious to my accusations and charge me with exaggeration. I was chronically sleep deprived, averaging about 3 hours straight each night before being awaken by our child, my own natural instincts, or his snoring.  This was going on for months and I did not know how much more I could take.  I would wake very grumpy and constantly complained about not getting enough rest due to his snoring. This would just cause him to get offended and withdraw a bit.

Now sleep deprivation is a serious matter; not one to take lightly.  Everyone needs the proper amount of rest for paramount functionality.  I also understand that the body goes through its best healing processes when one is asleep.  This is especially important for people facing medical issues. Eight hours of sleep is the recommended amount for the average adult.  I suspect that 3 hour increments over time could ultimately have optimum health consequences.

My husband had no idea how he sounded while he was asleep. One day I taped him and e-mailed the video clip so that he would find it in his inbox the next day.  When he viewed it he laughed but I think he was a bit disturbed at the same time.  When I considered his reaction, I had to ask myself if I was going to keep nagging him about something he obviously can’t control or find a way to work around this with him.  I further considered how silly it would sound to disclose to our friends and loved ones that we are going our separate ways because I can’t take his snoring.  I could just imagine the confused and awkward looks on their faces.  So many couples are facing so much more and still survive! But I have heard of women who have moved out of the bedroom and even the house over a matter like this.  That’s not going to be me!  I decided that this was a “Small Stuff” situation when I considered my life without him.  I would rather hear that wind tunnel for the rest of my existence than to be without him indefinitely.

I had the responsibility of changing me in the situation.  That was all I had control over.  Had I continued to badger him about this it could have potentially caused division between us and spiral into bigger things.  This was absolutely not worth it.  Now when he snores I gently shake him and encourage him to turn on his side to silence the noise.  He shifts without argument. We have come to a mutual unspoken agreement; Not a big deal!

I would encourage anyone reading this that if you are one who is known to take every little thing so deeply to look at the bigger picture.  Are little offenses worth ruining a marriage, friendship, employment opportunity or other valuable relationships?  Stressing over small matters don’t only ruin relationships but one’s health as well over time.  Strife, resentment and unforgiveness can set in when relationships break down and you can find yourself looking back and not remembering why things fell apart in the first place.  The matters are just that simple! As long as people are human, small annoyances are unavoidable. We have to coexist because that is how we were created.   You will just need to assess if that person or relationship is valuable enough to overlook minute situations and compromise.

As for my snoring husband; I have not given up on a more permanent solution to this problem because I am still sleep deprived.  Until we are able to afford a Sleep Number bed to elevate his side and eliminate the horrid noises he makes, I may have to spend a small fortune on some duct tape.  If you see him and part of his mustache is missing or not lined up properly, just know that he experienced an adhesive removal malfunction. Act like you don’t see it and just walk away! SMH!

For more information about “Sweating the Small Stuff” I am sharing this article I found on CNN.com;  A really good read!

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/13/living/sweat-small-stuff-real-simple/

Relationships, Self Empowerment

The Power of Forgivness

Forgivness II

 

There have been countless articles, books, preached sermons, and empowering lectures spoken on the topic of forgiveness throughout our time.  It seems to be such a prevalent issue that continuously inspires people to write on it time and time again.  It’s an ageless matter that never gets old or useless from generation to generation. Different faces, from various places during distinct times will craft their unique thoughts and opinions on the value of forgiveness.  Although written in different ways with dissimilar tones, all the messages proclaim how necessary and beneficial the process of forgiving is in the lives of every human being.  Another similarity in forgiveness messages is that the act is more for the person who has become offended by another than the offender themselves.

So what could I possibly add to this matter that has not already been addressed?  Not much; just my own experience in finally taking the advice to heart.  I don’t consider myself a person who harbors or holds grudges for long.  You have to really do something beyond description for that to happen.  I have had instances like this occur throughout my lifetime; mainly by people who I care for the most.  Sometimes I have forgiven and maintained working at the relationship while other times I have had to make the decision of forgiving my offender but letting them go at the same time.  The act of forgiveness has taken place but the person’s order of importance in my life may have forever been changed as a result.  I have learned that this is necessary sometimes as well in order to move on and grow….

In 2014 I experienced a miraculous process of forgiveness that I never thought would be possible.   I want to share this encounter because I really do believe it is my first real act of exercising true and complete forgiveness while becoming a willing participant of saving the relationship. I don’t think I have ever experienced forgiveness at this level in my entire life. Hopefully my story will help and inspire one of my readers.

I married my husband in October of 2014. We had a beautiful yet intimate wedding with close family and friends and planned the event in 4 short months.  Most would stop and think that this alone is a beautiful situation however, when our history is considered most would wonder how we ever got to the altar!

We are not newlyweds that don’t know each other and drowning in heavenly new relationship bliss.  On the contrary we are going on nine years in each other’s lives.  Our relationship has been, for lack of better words, excessively rocky and off and on at various times during these nine years. No matter what we put each other through, we just could not let go permanently.  Too much time vested, too many memories established, and bonds created that were unbreakable contributed to our vicious cycle of on again, off again.  Truth of the matter is, we are soul mates and best friends. No one knows him like I do and no one knows me like he does.  One commonality among us during our rocky years is that we  were extremely afraid of committing due to coming out of our previously failed marriages.   We purposely at times sabotaged our partnership in a crazed effort of not falling too deeply.  As you can probably guess that did not work!

My husband has hurt my heart over the years prior to us exchanging vows like no other.  Habitual and repetitive behavior patterns that most relationships could not survive was a huge problem.  As a reaction to his actions I would do things to make him hurt as much as he made me.  We would separate, be ok for a little while, cry, apologize then return to each other’s arms and start the process all over again.

In the winter of 2013 I got this incredible strength to break the adverse cycle by ending the relationship.  I purposely put up barriers to make sure I would not give in again.  He noticed this new resilience in me and thought for sure he had lost me forever.  This break was our longest and lasted nearly a year.  We had never gone that long without each other but it was a blessing in disguise.  I remember hating him for everything he had done to me but could not completely not talk to him because we had a young son together who was nearly two years old at the time.  I remember being as civil as I could when I had to talk to him but then would quickly escalate into a raged mad woman when he would try to change the subject.  I wanted to be done for good. I would cuss, insult him, call him names and repeat all the horrid details of the things he had done in an effort to remind him why I was done for good.

When I was not talking to him I noticed that my attitude was not healthy.  I was bitter, angry, resentful, mean-spirited and just not a nice person to be around.  All of these negative emotions were a direct result of me not forgiving but I did not know this at the time.  I was dying mentally and spiritually; I needed help. My breaking point was when I caused such a scene in a popular shopping store around the holidays because the customer service representative did not treat me as I felt I deserved as a paying and repeat patron.  That day I knew I was out of control and needed to deal with the route of my anger.

One evening we talked.  The conversation was like no other that we have ever had in the past.  He just wanted me to listen.  He pour out his heart and soul and was the most transparent that I have ever heard him to be. He shared his struggles as a man, and pain that I had no idea he was dealing with. There was no way I could hang up, get angry, or interrupt as would be my normal response to any subject other than our son.   During this moment I experienced complete forgiveness.  I no longer saw him as the man who has repeatedly hurt me, but rather a wounded human being who was crying out for help.  Although we were not together, truth still remained that I was indeed still his best friend and he mine.  He could not have entrusted anyone else to that level of information.   I saw him for this brief moment not through my own eyes but through the eyes of God himself.

When we hung up I replayed the conversation over in my mind.  It was so different, so profound and so pure and ever enlightening.  I laid in my bed and a cleansing feeling came over me.  It felt like a purge.  I remember the sensation like it was yesterday.  I had never experienced it before.  It was an instant exhaling relief; the surge of forgiveness.  I slept so soundly that night and was so grateful for I had not had a good night’s rest since we broke up nearly a year ago.

He noticed something was different about me as soon as the next day.  I was chipper, willing to talk to him and not rejecting his calls. I was laughing, giving advice; simply being my old self.  He bought this to my attention and I really did not realize it until he mentioned it. I knew for sure that complete forgiveness had taken place.

We entered into family counseling for the next 10 months which ultimately converted into premarital counseling.  The couple who helped us saw almost instantly that we were two people madly in love but just needed some spiritual guidance getting over our indifferences.  We both began to truly heal.

I am forever grateful for this experience. My husband thought that he needed me but I needed him just as much. He saved me from spiraling out of emotional control and heading towards my own self destructive habits.

Forgiveness is a powerful elixir with the abilities to heal the mind, body and spirit. It has permeating affects and will extend beyond those directly involved. Children will be happier, families will be healthier and individuals can experience wholeness.