Love Conditions

Conditional Love

I have lived on this earth long enough and have survived enough trials to confidently declare that the human heart needs what it needs. As a result, and like a wounded child acting out in a tantrum, the heart won’t stop bleeding and crying out until it is fulfilled.   Depending on the situation connected to the yearning, this silent fret may unfortunately be a life- long muted experience for many.

Human beings need to be loved.  I don’t declare this as if it is news but just restating its fact.  But there are different degrees of love that are extended to us that cannot be duplicated by any other source.  The love a child gives its mother is not the same as the love given by her husband.  Just as the love provided by a true friend cannot be substituted by that extended by a parent.  This can be validated when considering a man successful in his trade, wealthy in his accounts, healthy in his status, and plentiful in friends, family and business relationships. He appears to have it all.  But in the midnight hour and when no one is watching he must deal with that hollow area in his heart that desires a companion. Nothing else in his life will satisfy this longing so his heart will bleed.  Or what about that woman who has the most loving husband, the house, the cars, the career and the reputation that most would envy.  Yet her wound is barren and she can’t conceive.  Her longing for a child has been denied so her heart aches and bleeds in the very same way.  There is no substitute that will completely end this painful flow from the heart but the thing it desires; WITH CONDITIONS .  Time can and will be spent attempting to substitute the void but nothing ever truly satisfies.

It has been nearly three weeks since my biological father left this earth.  I am experiencing varying degrees of grief that have surprised me. I resent that I miss what I never had that only he could provide.  There was never any substitute for me.   During my second day out on bereavement leading up to his funeral, I spent several hours alone and I cried out to the Lord probably like I have never.  I asked one question repeatedly, “Why didn’t my father love me?” God responded to me in my dream after crying myself to sleep, “Chanel, he did, just not by your definition.” With the inquisitive mind that I have I had to analyze this answer.  How was I expecting my father to love me?  All I wanted was for him to be Present, to Provide and to Protect. That wasn’t too much to ask or was it? It should have been a natural fraternal instinct but it wasn’t for my father and I didn’t get that.

I put conditions on his love towards me.  As a result I could not see what love he was either able or willing to provide.  I wanted love on my own terms and what he was offering simply wasn’t good enough then and honestly it would not be now if he were still alive.  I am human and that’s Real Talk! Love by his definition did not stop the bleeding of my heart or fill that void only he as a father could.  I felt I deserved more and stopped talking to him for periods at a time as a result.  I have heard my father utter that he loved me many times throughout my life. But since his actions did not line up with my expectations I took his words as lip service and lies.  God showed me on that day that my father was not ever capable of loving me the way that I wanted him to. That’s just not how he was made up. This has been the sole source of discord in our relationship and it took his death for me to finally get clarity. I am forever grateful for the resolve.

Because we are human we have hopes of those significant relationships in our lives. When we get them we have expectations.  We feel that certain people should automatically treat us a in a guaranteed way.   These hopes come with outlined conditions and if we don’t get what we want we will react.

For those empty hearts that may never be filled with what we think we need or want, God is there unconditionally.  He never proposes prerequisites like we do and loves us all the time in spite of our ways.   Hallalujah! That is really good news!  Can you imagine if God loved us in the same fashion as we do others?  The human race would be lost for sure!

Although it is part of the human spirit to long for people to treat and love us in certain ways we need to consider reason and if we are putting unrealistic expectations on what we know is imperfect.  Then give reverence to the all mighty God who is the ultimate definition of Love.  He is really the only one qualified to satisfy those voids we try desperately to fill in our hearts.

Is there someone in your life that you are at odds with because they are not loving you as you wish they would?

If so what is your definition of love and is it reasonable?

Can you still find a way to respect and honor that person regardless?

In your answering of these questions, ask God to help you see these people through his eyes and thank him for loving you just as you are; totally  free of limits ; totally free of conditions.

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