Broken, Relationships

Sins of a Female Saint – Part 1 

The attraction was overwhelmingly intense. Like the power of 10 industrial size magnets I was being drawn in and could not stop it. In fact, after a time I didn’t want to stop it. I pursued and hunted after a single meeting and conversation that ignited something deep in me that apparently had died. Suddenly I felt alive and I wanted; no I needed more.

His smile, his features, his laugh, his smell were so completely intoxicating! His sense of humor was very similar to mine. We had so much in common and talked for hours…if and when we could. I had not been attracted to anyone this strongly and at this level in well over a decade and had forgotten what the experience felt like. My cheeks burned from blushing every-time I heard his voice. He would leave messages for me overnight on my work voice machine. I looked forward to them the instant they began. I found myself anxious to get up in the morning. Couldn’t wait to see if he was thinking of me overnight like I thought of him. He never disappointed. I listened to his messages frequently throughout the day.
I couldn’t sleep at night. Visions of him would not stop. I fantasizes during times that I knew I shouldn’t; when I should be working , studying, while in church and even while lying in bed next to my husband of nearly 10 years…

My marriage was severely broken. I was just 23 when I wedded, a babe in Christ and was told by the church mothers that we must stop living in sin. A little less than a year after meeting, we exchanged vows. It was not long afterwards that I began to discover that I didn’t take enough time to get to know him, to know myself and what God expected of me vs. the religious practices of man. Still I held on unsure, growing increasingly unhappy because I didn’t want to disappoint. I made God a promise and I was going to keep it by any means necessary. I prayed hard, long, and often. I got counseling too; still I faltered. 

The attraction came along at the most vulnerable time. Love, respect, intimacy, connection, and the will to keep trying in my marriage was dying for me. I was outgrowing my mate mentally and spiritually and the reality of it all was very painful. I was not keeping the facade together outwardly because a few that were close could clearly see the stark imbalance between us two. This new love interest reminded me often that I could still have those things I longed for again. 

For months, he became the only bright spot in my life for all hell began to break loose in my world. I was losing it all simultaneously. My health, my relationships, my home, my finances, my sanity, my way….. I ran to him for shelter, friendship then ultimately mental and physical comfort…..
This is my deepest, darkest and most painful confession. I once was a Christian Female Adulteress.

Even as I re-read the words above, nearly 10 years after these series of events,  it still doesn’t sound like me. My character, my beliefs, my position; I compromised them all with a single decision and I payed a deep price for it all. That price was the inability to move forward for an extended period of time. I believed that everything adverse that was happening to me was the result of what I did. Certainly I deserved it because I dishonor my vows. I drowned In thinking I didn’t deserve and I couldn’t forgive myself. I didn’t even know I needed to until just 2 years ago. 

Five years ago I conceived my first and only biological child. This happened out of wedlock and during a time when I walked away from God. I was extremely unhealthy spiritually and carried around a tremendous amount of pain, anger and guilt. I finally came to my senses for the sake of my child. Oh Lord I need thee!

I went for counseling with my son’s father upon his request. I only expected family therapy to learn how to co-parent with him. It’s all I wanted and nothing more. We were crazy about each other but with both of us being divorcees we never fully gave our relationship a chance. At the time,we had been apart as a couple for nearly a year. The Pastors who were assigned to help us clearly saw we were madly in love and they needed to seperate us to get to the bottom of our individual issues. 

So much came out in those sessions and I learned I needed to forgive myself for how I left my first marriage. When I finally released, it was such a heavy burden ejected from my soul. How I wish I would have done that earlier and saved myself 8 years of unnecessary mental anguish! Those family counseling sessions ultimately turned into pre-marital counseling. We married October 10, 2014. 

For me, this is the most intimate and embarrassing thing I have ever revealed. I know that I need to share for there are other women who suffer silently. Although men are more likely than women to commit adultery making this topic for them an accepted norm, women fail to be honest about the matter due to the harsh criticism we more than likely will subject ourselves to.

I personally am over how people may respond. I’ve beat myself up worse than any human ever could and sentenced myself to an 8 year term of absolute mental torture. Nothing hurts worse than that. Today I am completely set free and reconciled the most important relationship in my life; my bond with my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, Christ Jesus.

By-the-way, If you are wondering what ever happened to the man I fell for .. Well, he is the one I married. This is my RealBoldTruth! 

25 thoughts on “Sins of a Female Saint – Part 1 ”

  1. Oh my! This is really coming from deep. I thank GOd for what HE has accomplish in and through you. No wonder the aunthetication and power of a message is determine by the depth of our messes.

    You don’t know how much your post always blesses. thanks for allowing God to use you fully

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Isn’t it wonderful that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin. I, too, had to be forgiven and restored. Actually, all who come to Christ in faith are washed in His blood and made whole. There’s nothing like being set free from sin. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. I’m so glad you are free from guilt; guilt keeps us away from God. I think it is good to share our mistakes and sins with others because we can all learn from one another and we can see God’s grace and love working. I have also sought comfort in a man’s arms. Then, like you, I found the only true comfort comes from God.

    Like

    Reply

  4. I’m so glad you are free of your guilt, which keeps us away from God. In my past, I have also looked for comfort in the arms of a man. I think it is good for Christians to tell others our mistakes and sins. We can all learn from each other and we can see the grace of God more clearly.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks Belle! You are so right! The enemy wants us to keep our mouths closed in embarrassment and shame but there comes freedom for ourselves and others when we give our testimonies. Iron sharpens Iron for sure! Blessings to you and thank you!🤗

      Like

      Reply
  5. Pingback: Sins of a Female Saint – Part II – Real Bold Truth

  8. Sis that is real talk and yes…The Bold Truth!!!

    You truly have inspired me and ignited the urgency to launch what God has called me to do. IT definitely is time!

    Your testimony is real. Adultery in addition to many other sins is alive and is operating everywhere which includes the body of believers.

    I love you and I will boldly make this statement.

    Anyone that condemns or judges is not showing the love of Christ. This is what we are called to do for ALL people, saved and unsaved. It is the love of God that brings us to repentance.

    “Or do you have no regard for the wealth of His kindness and tolerance and patience [in withholding His wrath]? Are you [actually] unaware or ignorant [of the fact] that God’s kindness leads you to repentance [that is, to change your inner self, your old way of thinking—seek His purpose for your life]? Romans 2:4 (AMP)

    Keep Pressing, Keep Shining, and Keep Sharing The Real Bold Truth!

    LOVE IT!!!!

    Sis,
    Sonja Poitier

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Aww you nearly had me in tears with this one! Thank you my lovely sister in Christ! I am so grateful for our bond and connection and can’t wait for your debut!! It’s going to be nothing short of phenomenal and in its Due Time! I receive every word including the scriptures that is direct about repentance and forgiveness. Love you lots!😍

      Like

      Reply

  9. Hi Chanel,
    Thank You for sharing this priceless testimony of God’s delivering power.
    Whom the Son sets Free is Free Indeed! Your Candid, Honest and Truth Telling Testimony has and will do more for others than you can Imagine, free people can free others.
    We know Satan’s Best just wasn’t good enough to stop God’s Plans for YOU! Thank God For JESUS!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. So humbled and overwhelmed that he chose me to use to tell the truth about difficult subjects. And proud of myself for having the courage to push past the lies of the enemy, my natural mind and beyond. If just one is helped with this then opening up to the masses was completely worth it! Nothing like being free! Thanks Pastor Mary!!😍

      Like

      Reply

  11. Girlll, you and I have a lot more in common than I knew. Hmmm… glad to see that you’re opening up and being honest about infidelity too. There are so many stereotypes that lead to the same narrative of men being cheaters that we’ve come to believe that women couldn’t possibly, and if we do, then there must be something deeply wrong with us and not them. So glad to have read this.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks lady for reading and responding! I do appreciate you taking the time to do both. As you know, women are held at a higher level of scrutiny relative to this matter keeping many in bondage. My blog is not named Realboldtruth for nothing and gotta keep it Real! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  12. Very powerful! Thank you for sharing this! I have a similar story…but don’t have the courage to share it with others at this time. I have forgiven myself after many years and know that I am forgiven by God.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Thanks for reading and responding Tabbi! Us gals suffer extremely difficult criticism with this topic but many suffer in silence. Since I’ve come to terms with the matter, as you can see took me years, other women, who are believers have confided in me about their temptations of getting ready to step out on their marriages. God has used me to minister to them. Thus the only reason why I developed the strength to share. I wrote this many months ago but the hesitation was great. I wanted to assure I was truly healed from the experience and if my husband approved of me sharing. There is nothing like being free!! Part II of this next week! Blessing my dear!😇

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

Leave a comment